20 miles down...26 days to go!

I woke up today with a huge headache...a headache that has lasted 3 days! I got bit by an awful stomach bug Friday night..which has now bit my "Katie bug". So, here we are, in my bed...each of us with our own rolls of toilet paper, cough drops and trash cans beside each of our sides of the bed. Our coughing and moans are creating quite a symphony!

Last thing I remember before the aches and pains took over my body..is completing 20 miles on Friday!! 20 miles! Just typing 20 miles makes me smile! Thank you Lord! 26 more days until the Marathon!

The reality of what I have been training for since January is settling in deeper with every passing day. To actually be less than a month away from my goal is a little overwhelming emotionally. I set this goal in motion as a tangible way for me to show Katie that my future isn't necessarily a short one due to my diagnosis. Training has been an even bigger journey of discovery than I could have ever imagined!

Just over 6 months after Skip went home to Jesus is when my training began. Today, 10 months later..I can honestly say I know myself better because of where running has taken me. My heart yearns, still hurts, aches even to see Skip's face waiting for me at the Finish Line..but I trust that the Lord knew my pain and the depth of it, and He meets me in it. He meets me. Although I will not be greeted by Skip after 26.2 miles, I will be greeted.

Please keep me in your prayers, 20 miles was tough! Adding even a half mile more seems daunting.

On race day, before I even begin mile 1...I will reflect on this truth: He guides me, I follow, His plans come to fruition..not mine!

Gotta Run!

The Air I Breathe

There is something amazing that happens to us when we exceed our own expectations. I know I have felt it during this last year as I have pressed on with running and training for the upcoming Marathon. What a gift I have received each time I run farther than my last goal! As I have mentioned before, my "done" button was pressed a long time ago (by me)....yet I am learning there is more in me than I ever imagined! Thank you Lord for such knowledge! He walks and runs with me, revealing new strength in me that I had no idea I had. I am assured that what ever is in the future for me....the Marathon, writing, raising Katie, a profession... I will face all with a perspective I didn't have 16 months ago. Each day that I have lived in the last 16 months has been necessary in order to be standing as who I am today. Yes, I have opened my eyes to some days and then quickly closed them tightly, wanting to sleep it away. The praise that is on my lips today, is simply that those days have not outnumbered the others. Regardless of the emotions in my heart and soul....I cling to this amazing fact: Every breath brings me closer to the woman I have been created on purpose to be. So, I breathe. Something I truly have no control over. Strange, I have had my breath taken away, had it lodged deep in my throat with no escape, even felt it being sucked right out of me. Today, with each breath, I journey deeper into myself, always with His strength, guidance and amazing patience! I have sung "This is the Air I breathe" in worship so many times. So many times in fact, that when I was singing on the worship team, I would cringe a little when I saw it listed on the song list! Isn't that awful? To admit that is just the truth in my ugliness. Now, however, I meditate on the words that now minister to and reflect my very heart!

Gotta Run!

This is the air I breathe
This is the air I breathe
Your holy presence
Living in me

This is my daily bread
This is my daily bread
Your very word
Spoken to me

And I ... I'm desparate for you
And I ... I'm lost without you

This is air I breathe
This is air I breathe
Your holy presence
Living in me

This is my daily bread
This is my daily bread
Your very word
Spoken to me

And I ... I'm desparate for you
And I ... I'm lost without you (eh hey, yeah)
And I ... I'm desparate for you
And I ... I'm lost without you
And I ... I'm desparate for you
And I ... I'm lost without you
I'm lost without you
I'm lost without you
I'm lost without you (father)
I'm lost..without you

This is the air I breathe
This is the air I breathe

September Mourn.......

September was my mourning month. I'm not saying that when the calender flipped to October I was all smiles..but truly, September seemed to cover me in emotions I have been running away from.

It may have been because our last house guests left in the middle of August and we had no company coming until the first week in October. A month without guests...that hasn't happened since moving in our home in February. Don't get me wrong...having loving friends and family near has blessed us, but it has also allowed me to "live on the surface". Meaning, I have been able to care for others and keep my focus on their needs, which gave me the gift of not looking to closely at my reality.

September mourn.

October brought lovely friends who lavished love on us. It also brought longer runs on our Fridays. Today I did 18 miles. It amazes me how much mental preparation plays a part in this journey of training. Last week we ran 10 miles, and I was done after the last step. I couldn't have gone another mile...I dragged myself to the ocean and stayed there like a beached whale. Today after completing 18 miles, I was wiped..but did it. The mind is an amazing muscle. It's as if I work myself up to the long Friday all week...accepting in my mind the task before me..and I....JUST DO IT! :)

Last week my Pastor shared about the "Beauty in the crushing". Being crushed hurts..we hate it, we fight it, we look for an escape from it. Yet, it is in our season of crushing that our Lord refines us. To be made beautiful in Him is not a painless process. The hurt we feel as the outer layers get shaved away..only make us that much more beautiful.

My goal for the Honolulu Marathon is mine, but it is not my only goal. Another goal of mine is to continue to STAND in my crushing season....so that when you see beauty in me...you would only see HIM!

Gotta Run!

Maui Half Marathon..and beyond!

To be perfectly honest....(which strikes me as such a ridiculous statement!) Rarely does being honest ever come across as perfect. Regardless, I am floundering...floating...existing. I find myself having arguments, heated debates...with myself.

To be experiencing debilitating emotions that frustrate me..shame me..confuse me..crush me..even for a moment, leave me with feelings of unworthiness. I tell myself, "snap out of it, don't be such a martyr!". I look at myself in the mirror and the mess that looks back at me is either unrecognizable or becoming all too familiar to me.

One description that comes to mind is being at the bottom of the deep end of the pool and pushing off with your feet to propel yourself up to the surface...but no matter how hard you kick and slice through the water with your hands and arms...you make no progress. Exhausted from all your efforts to get to the top, you look down and see that an anchor has been tied around one of your ankles, not allowing you to reach the top for air. You feel empty and depleted. The only hope you have of surfacing is to reach down, pick up the anchor with both arms and walk it to the shallow end..dragging it if and when necessary. The question that always plagues me in this scenario is this...WHERE does the energy come from to do this? HOW do I/we tap into the "reserve" of strength we never even knew we had..at the absolute moment we HAVE to??

The above, no matter how depressing or pathetic it may sound, is exactly how I have been feeling. Whether on my couch, in my car, or when I have just ran 10 miles and still have 3.1 more to go to cross the Finish Line of the Half Marathon.

I crossed that Finish Line. I did it and ran 13 minutes miles. I got my Finisher t-shirt and medal. I also kept walking after I crossed the Finish Line and didn't stop or look back. As the distance between myself and the race grew...I started to cry and had no energy to stop myself. The tears came, the longing for my best friend to greet me with congratulations was enormous and overwhelming. I found a tree after awhile and sank down underneath it and sobbed. I wanted to scream, "screw it!" I wanted to cuss like a sailor at anyone who would listen to me at how unfair it all was! As I closed my eyes and felt my breathing become steadier, I sensed the depth of my aloneness fading away. I looked up into the tree above me and could see the blue sky peek through the branches. I knew the sun was shining even though the shade of the tree was protecting me from the overwhelming warmth of it. Protecting me. Protection. I was being protected. I AM PROTECTED...in the deep waters...when I am at the end of me...in the overwhelmingness of life...I AM PROTECTED. He is ENOUGH.

I may want more...ache and yearn for it, but what I have, who I am, who He is...is enough. I ran the Half Marathon, 13.1 miles on 9/19/10. Five days later I ran 14 miles. This Friday I will run 15. He is ENOUGH!

Gotta Run!

Ever Onward

I woke up this morning a little sick of myself. I recognized that I was ready to leave my little cocoon, aka my couch. Little by little this past week my eyes began to recognize God moving me...I felt Him giving me a fresh equipping of His strength. I sensed that however necessary and needed my hibernation in sorrow was..it was now a wave that had washed over me. I got out of bed and walked into the living room and reached for the t.v. remote saying aloud to the empty room, "Lord, I want to start my day listening to praise music, I want to lift my voice to you, I choose you!" I found the christian music station I love, turned it on and turned the volume high. As I was reaching for the broom to sweep, my breath caught in my throat as Steven Curtis Chapman's voice filled my house as he sang, "Tomorrow morning if you wake me up and the sun does not appear..I will be here." A song that has been a thread in Skip's in my life since I was 17yrs. I gripped my broom and dropped into the nearest chair as tears fell down my face as the sobbing rocked me. The words just kept coming, "You can cry on my shoulder when the mirror tells us we're older, I will hold you, and I will be here, to watch you grow in beauty, and tell you all the things you are to me...." I cried without holding back, seeing Skip's face as we danced to this song, as we sang this song in the car, as we played it every year on our anniversary... When the song ended I felt Katie's arms around me as she shared the chair with me, whispering to me to "just cry". The next song was a song Katie used in her video slide show she made of her Dad. Ugh! Tears now on both of our faces, she asks, "Do you want me to turn it off?" I shook my head and held her hand as the song played, "Turn up the music, turn it up loud, take a few chances, let it all out. You won't regret it, looking back where you have been....cause it's not who you knew, it's not what you did.....it's how you live"..

Right then I bowed my head, squeezed my eyes shut, held Katie's hand and prayed aloud. "Lord, be big now, I trust you. It's too much and I don't know what to do...keep crying or wipe my tears and stuff it all down...You HAVE to move me. You are our strength and we need YOU! Let me be the mom to Katie that she needs, heal us, please meet us here".

The song ended. Katie and I wiped our tears, our runny noses...and hugged. Big breath. I took my broom and swept. I can't tell you what that was all about other than it was our morning. Our mourning.

I ran/walked 11 miles yesterday. Alone. It took alot for me to push myself out the door but I did it! I wanted to quit at about 8 miles. I actually dropped down in the shade for about a minute and then I told myself, "Get up and finish!" With every step I kept saying out loud, "push it, push it, puuussshh itt!!!!!" I managed to finish and rewarded myself with a cold chilly shower at the beach park where I ran. You may be asking why I didn't just jump into the ocean....honestly..I would've drowned! I was toooo tired to even think about swimming!

There is definitely something to be said for pushing through the ache, the exhaustion, the complete and utter depletion....and coming out on the other side. Driving home, sucking down water, I felt amazing! I texted Katie and that was actually her reply....."Mom, you are amazing!"

Even now as I sit stiff and in pain, 2 aspirin later....I feel amazing..and amazed by Him!

Gotta Run!

60mph to zero......

The lateness in this update reflects exactly how I feel.......it's as if my internal engine has gone from 60mph to zero. This past week has been the first week that Katie and I have been home alone all summer. It's good to be home, and alone. I doubt I would be experiencing all that I am feeling if I was entertaining guests, or traveling and away from home. Or I should say, succumbing, allowing and accepting the feelings as they engulf me.

For 5 days I have driven Katie to school...picked her up at the end of her day...came home and was in bed by 8pm. What have I done in the between times? Pretty much nothing. Nothing. No exaggeration.

I have watched countless movies on Lifetime. Nestled on my couch. Cried while driving, during my movie marathons, in the shower...

The utter shutting down leaves me feeling powerless to stop it. I THINK of things I should be doing...but don't. Yesterday I knew I had to pay my electric, cable and phone bills, stop at the bank and run to the post office. Holing up in my home all week, I knew these errands HAD to get done. So, what did I do? I waited until the very last moment I could....then picked up Katie from school, and while she drove home, we stopped at every place I needed to so she could walk in and make the payments and mail the box. Katie thought it was cool that she could help me out...I just thought it was pathetic.

I didn't wake up on Monday thinking, "OK, now I'm gonna just chill out". No. I just seem to have a homing device that brings me back to my bed....my couch...my lanai. God IS God. HE is in control. HE is faithful and will never forsake me or leave me. I know this. At this time, this knowledge does not move me off my couch.

While Katie was trying out for a school drama production Wednesday night, I went running. I set a goal of 5 miles and plugged into my Ipod. I did it. I also came home and crawled into bed without showering or changing out of my running clothes.

A season. A dry spell. A breather, down time, checking out. Mourning.

Uncharted waters, navigating through as if my boat is just drifting. Why do I feel I need to ask for permission to feel this way? It's a constant war in my head as I try to be real, be myself, just be.

After writing all the above, I feel compelled to write the following.

Yes, I recognize I'm wallowing in a pit. I won't stay there. It's not home. I do see beyond today. I will lace up my shoes and do my 6 miles....who cares if the whole time I'm running my couch is beckoning me.

Gotta Run!

Breathing

The summer has come to an end...almost. Our travels to California, Arizona and North Carolina are behind us, yet each place left it's imprint on our hearts.

Arriving home we had 8 BEAUTIFUL house guests staying with us, the first beat us home and the last left on Monday. Our door continues to be a revolving one as we have 4 more precious guests coming to visit us on Thursday. During the in between time of company, Katie and I have jumped off the freeway of life and have simply enjoyed...breathing! Our time together is precious to us and to just sit and snuggle and watch a movie, take a nap or hang out at the beach seems the perfect way to spend our last days of summer together.

My long weekend in North Carolina at the She Speaks conference was amazing. To arrive and immediately be surrounded by women who are answering the call they feel the Lord has put on their hearts to write, speak or both...was incredible, intimidating and honestly, completely overwhelming! Sitting and listening to the inner workings of preparing a book proposal and "pitching it"...hearing from Agent's on what they look for before taking you as a client, their expectations on how YOU as the writer will market your own book. Sitting with women at lunch as they passed out their business cards which included their contact information, addresses to their blogs, websites and "blog books", etc. I felt like the kid on the outside looking into a world I didn't even know existed! Yet here I was getting a front row seat because the Lord planned it that way! I shared my writings with published authors and received their critiques, listened to their stories of how their books got published...and I prayed every minute, asking the Lord, "please show me why I'm here and what this all means to me".

By settling into my seat as I boarded the plane back to Maui, my Father whispered sweet words that touched my soul. He said, "your obedience IS your calling, I will use it for my glory". His equipping is truly for each moment, and in those moments He wants to reveal Himself in us, and He desires for us to follow Him...sometimes straight into the unknown! I met women who KNEW they were created to write. I met women who have been Speaking for several years and although I felt completely out of my comfort zone, I took enough notes to fill my entire notebook and I hung onto each pearl of wisdom shared by the Speakers, authors, agents and publishers. I knew all that I was learning would equip me for whatever the Lord wanted for me.

I returned home with a renewed desire to write more, to read my journals and notes I have written this past year and focus on what is inside of me that could come out in the form of an article, a short story....a book, or just a heartfelt letter to friends like you!

Being Katie's mom, helping her prepare for her Jr. year, getting her driver's license, walking together as we heal, this I know is my purpose....and I treasure it.

Carol and I are working on a running schedule again and I am thankful for the ability to lace up my sneakers, plug into my ipod and run until she says stop!

Gotta Run!