Today I was blessed with spending precious time with sweet sisters at a Christmas Tea. To be with dear friends who love with their eyes and hug you with arms that envelope you is a treasure to me. To look around a room filled with women who love the Lord, each other and me...regardless if we know each other or not..is a gift. :)
Alot of women today know me, "my story", and my countdown to the Marathon. To be engulfed in love without the need to say much is priceless. It made me think that a little piece of heaven may be like that...Surrounded in love, deep accepting love and have no need for long explanations for the tears that fall or for our hearts that are exposed yet do not leave us feeling vulnerable. Yes, heavenly!
Katie sat with me and was moved to tears as she felt herself steeped in memories of attending this same tea in years past. Attending this same tea while her Daddy served us in a starched white collared shirt and black slacks with other men in our church. Watching her, I could almost read her thoughts..my heart ached when we both reached for each others hands as we both braced ourselves during a strong wave of emotion. She's beautiful. She's brave. She's her Father's daughter. She's someone that I want to make proud of me.
Truthfully, I am learning and relearning that life can be hard. Life can be overwhelmingly hard...but that is where I reach the end of myself, and fall to my knees and ask for help. Running mile after mile has NOTHING to do with MY abilities or MY strength...it has EVERYTHING to do with my Father's desire to work in me. It's not about the glory I get in accomplishing this goal..it's more about Him revealing Himself in me as He leads me into each mile. Once I cross the Finish Line, it will definitely be an accomplishment, yet my inner Marathon will continue to require my participation and obedience to be yielded to His plan for me.
Tonight, His plan seems a little lonely. His plan feels uncertain and somewhat uncomfortable. The beauty in being His..is that how I FEEL is not what defines me. Trusting Him amidst the confusion, loneliness and ocean of uncertainty...does define me.
Lord, my heart is yours, take it, all of me..and make me worthy! Calm my fears Lord, allow the "noise" to wash away from my thoughts...leaving only You and what is true. 8 days!!!
Gotta Run!
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
9 days!!!!
We ran 6 miles this morning and it always amazes me how we mentally prepare our bodies for the goal of the day. Six didn't feel like 20 miles, but it left me breathing hard regardless. Today's run was my last distance one until race day. I will run 2-3 miles daily next week and rest Friday and Saturday before the big day. I notice that my thoughts continue to drift to the "big day" as I press on into the day I am in...it never is far from my thoughts and prayers. I know that I will have ALOT of time during the Marathon to think..but I know that my thoughts will touch upon crossing the Finish line and wishing I could fall into Skip's arms. It's not a thought that leaves me heavy feeling, but it is one that presses on my heart. To look into his eyes and have him wrap me in his arms, possibly carry me to a shady spot under a tree as he whispers over and over how proud he is of me. :) I know I will hear him that day! I like to imagine Skip at the right hand of our Father as they both look down on me and Skip saying, "Lord, can you believe her? I have tried to get her to exercise for YEARS!!!!..Now look at her go!" I see them both smiling and shaking their heads. :)
Today is a good day. I got my scan results back from my Dr and all looks good. My scans show that the cancer has not spread and remains in both of my lungs. I have a cough that has been persistent and he has prescribed additional medicine for me in hopes that it will sooth my cough in a months' time. If not, I will go back and do a Pet Scan. Bottom line, I am doing well and my body continues to respond to the medicine. Although there has been no shrinking...there has been no growth or spreading! This is praise and I am blessed.
My friends, to be writing about my health, about the upcoming Marathon, about my love for my husband who I miss dearly everyday....to have this outlet is a source of strength for me. Thank you for the sweet encouragement, the "you go girls" and the comments that let me know you are with me as I press on.
Continuing the countdown....knowing it's close...praying always that He will guide me into the next moments ahead.
Gotta Run!
Today is a good day. I got my scan results back from my Dr and all looks good. My scans show that the cancer has not spread and remains in both of my lungs. I have a cough that has been persistent and he has prescribed additional medicine for me in hopes that it will sooth my cough in a months' time. If not, I will go back and do a Pet Scan. Bottom line, I am doing well and my body continues to respond to the medicine. Although there has been no shrinking...there has been no growth or spreading! This is praise and I am blessed.
My friends, to be writing about my health, about the upcoming Marathon, about my love for my husband who I miss dearly everyday....to have this outlet is a source of strength for me. Thank you for the sweet encouragement, the "you go girls" and the comments that let me know you are with me as I press on.
Continuing the countdown....knowing it's close...praying always that He will guide me into the next moments ahead.
Gotta Run!
Thursday, December 2, 2010
10 days until the Marathon!!!
As the countdown continues it seems the days are flying by with amazing speed! Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, I am faced with this simple truth...I'm scared! :) Not, "I can't do this" scared... more like a, "Wow, I'm about to DO THIS!"..scared. The time that has been devoted to training, the waking up early to run before the day gets too hot, the culmination of months of preparing..has come down to a countdown that I can see by counting all my fingers!! 10 days!
My mind swirls with countless memories of runs that we took early on in my training that had me dry heaving on the beach, or fighting personal battles in my head as my body and mind were screaming to quit..yet I found myself continuing, digging deeper.
What an amazing gift the Lord has given to me! To learn that I am stronger than I knew, to realize that my limits are self-imposed and not at all born from fact. This gift of insight, no matter what age we are given it, is meant to be treasured and utilized from this point on. Regardless if I run another mile after the Marathon, I will forever have the knowledge that with Him...I CAN. Believing and Living it out are two very different things.
Skip's mom and his niece have flown in from the mainland to share in the moment when I cross the Finish Line...to be given such a sweet gift of encouragement is overwhelming. The reality of the moment I have been anticipating is washing over me.. 10 days!!!
We will run 6 miles tomorrow, cutting back our distance runs and focusing on staying active but not over doing it.
It's official....my race number is #9782!!!!!
Gotta Run!
My mind swirls with countless memories of runs that we took early on in my training that had me dry heaving on the beach, or fighting personal battles in my head as my body and mind were screaming to quit..yet I found myself continuing, digging deeper.
What an amazing gift the Lord has given to me! To learn that I am stronger than I knew, to realize that my limits are self-imposed and not at all born from fact. This gift of insight, no matter what age we are given it, is meant to be treasured and utilized from this point on. Regardless if I run another mile after the Marathon, I will forever have the knowledge that with Him...I CAN. Believing and Living it out are two very different things.
Skip's mom and his niece have flown in from the mainland to share in the moment when I cross the Finish Line...to be given such a sweet gift of encouragement is overwhelming. The reality of the moment I have been anticipating is washing over me.. 10 days!!!
We will run 6 miles tomorrow, cutting back our distance runs and focusing on staying active but not over doing it.
It's official....my race number is #9782!!!!!
Gotta Run!
Monday, November 22, 2010
The Parent Trap
How many times have we as parents wanted to press the PAUSE button in the middle of a heated tongue lashing we are spewing out on our children? For me, the truth is too often to be proud of! The PAUSE button would instantly freeze the moment, allowing me to walk away, gather my thoughts and cool down. I could call Focus on the Family and ask for their expert guidance. I could lace up my running shoes and go for a quick run to exhaust myself physically and to gather my thoughts. I could look up scriptures to back up my side of the argument, then “lovingly” SHOVE them all down her throat! Or..I could, I should, I will…simply pray. Ugh!! Why is it so painful to humble myself in front of my daughter? Regardless if I am accurate in my anger, correct in my counseling, godly in my godly wisdom…if I am spewing it…how am I glorifying my God?
I was woken up this morning by the sound of car brakes squealing and metal scraping. I jumped out of bed with surprising agility and ran out my front door (thank you Lord that I had my pj bottoms on!), to find my daughter in my little red convertible stuck on the steep slant of our driveway. Halfway down she scraped the rock wall that frames our driveway and was now uncertain how to adjust forward, thus the repetitive scraping noise! I stood at the top of our driveway looking down at her assessing the situation. I guided her on which way to turn the wheel, guided her back up the driveway, then once she was straightened out, guided her back down. Honestly, when I ran outside and saw that she was okay, immediate relief filled my heart. The puzzling piece is how quickly that relief turned to irritation as I saw the paint scraped off the backside of my car!!! Talk about being hit by waves of emotions! I stood there as she backed out. I watched her as she cleared the driveway and pointed the car towards the direction she was heading. She paused and looked up at me. I stood there looking at her. She continued to look at me. I continued to stand there. She then said what anyone would say, the only thing to say... “Sorry”.
This event took placed at 6:40am this morning and it is now 1:45pm. At 10:00am I received a text from Katie saying, “Hi…..” I didn't respond. I was coming home from the dentist and my tooth that is infected was killing me and I was in no mood to reply. Since then the Lord has walked me through a series of truths. He pressed a PAUSE button. He allowed me to hear His voice and confirm what I knew to be true. Katie needs grace and mercy. Katie needs my covering. The words that were whirling in my head are not words that she needs to hear or get blasted with. Accidents are just that...accidents. In the middle of running my errands today I bought a brownie pan and brownie mix, I think I will have them cooling by the time Katie comes home.
With God’s help, at 1:30pm today, I sent this reply text to Katie… ”It’s just a car. It’s fixable. You are safe, that means more to me. Don’t be afraid to come home… I have given it to the Lord. Love, Mom”.
We could get caught up with our questions of “why”…or we can PAUSE, take our thoughts captive and actually say and do what He wills. It requires an obedient heart and the dying of ourselves, nothing more than what Jesus did for us.
Although this blog is meant for my marathon training, I shared the above story to remind myself how great we can be when we live in the shadow of His wings!
20 days until the Marathon!!!!
Gotta Run!
I was woken up this morning by the sound of car brakes squealing and metal scraping. I jumped out of bed with surprising agility and ran out my front door (thank you Lord that I had my pj bottoms on!), to find my daughter in my little red convertible stuck on the steep slant of our driveway. Halfway down she scraped the rock wall that frames our driveway and was now uncertain how to adjust forward, thus the repetitive scraping noise! I stood at the top of our driveway looking down at her assessing the situation. I guided her on which way to turn the wheel, guided her back up the driveway, then once she was straightened out, guided her back down. Honestly, when I ran outside and saw that she was okay, immediate relief filled my heart. The puzzling piece is how quickly that relief turned to irritation as I saw the paint scraped off the backside of my car!!! Talk about being hit by waves of emotions! I stood there as she backed out. I watched her as she cleared the driveway and pointed the car towards the direction she was heading. She paused and looked up at me. I stood there looking at her. She continued to look at me. I continued to stand there. She then said what anyone would say, the only thing to say... “Sorry”.
This event took placed at 6:40am this morning and it is now 1:45pm. At 10:00am I received a text from Katie saying, “Hi…..” I didn't respond. I was coming home from the dentist and my tooth that is infected was killing me and I was in no mood to reply. Since then the Lord has walked me through a series of truths. He pressed a PAUSE button. He allowed me to hear His voice and confirm what I knew to be true. Katie needs grace and mercy. Katie needs my covering. The words that were whirling in my head are not words that she needs to hear or get blasted with. Accidents are just that...accidents. In the middle of running my errands today I bought a brownie pan and brownie mix, I think I will have them cooling by the time Katie comes home.
With God’s help, at 1:30pm today, I sent this reply text to Katie… ”It’s just a car. It’s fixable. You are safe, that means more to me. Don’t be afraid to come home… I have given it to the Lord. Love, Mom”.
We could get caught up with our questions of “why”…or we can PAUSE, take our thoughts captive and actually say and do what He wills. It requires an obedient heart and the dying of ourselves, nothing more than what Jesus did for us.
Although this blog is meant for my marathon training, I shared the above story to remind myself how great we can be when we live in the shadow of His wings!
20 days until the Marathon!!!!
Gotta Run!
Monday, November 15, 2010
20 miles down...26 days to go!
I woke up today with a huge headache...a headache that has lasted 3 days! I got bit by an awful stomach bug Friday night..which has now bit my "Katie bug". So, here we are, in my bed...each of us with our own rolls of toilet paper, cough drops and trash cans beside each of our sides of the bed. Our coughing and moans are creating quite a symphony!
Last thing I remember before the aches and pains took over my body..is completing 20 miles on Friday!! 20 miles! Just typing 20 miles makes me smile! Thank you Lord! 26 more days until the Marathon!
The reality of what I have been training for since January is settling in deeper with every passing day. To actually be less than a month away from my goal is a little overwhelming emotionally. I set this goal in motion as a tangible way for me to show Katie that my future isn't necessarily a short one due to my diagnosis. Training has been an even bigger journey of discovery than I could have ever imagined!
Just over 6 months after Skip went home to Jesus is when my training began. Today, 10 months later..I can honestly say I know myself better because of where running has taken me. My heart yearns, still hurts, aches even to see Skip's face waiting for me at the Finish Line..but I trust that the Lord knew my pain and the depth of it, and He meets me in it. He meets me. Although I will not be greeted by Skip after 26.2 miles, I will be greeted.
Please keep me in your prayers, 20 miles was tough! Adding even a half mile more seems daunting.
On race day, before I even begin mile 1...I will reflect on this truth: He guides me, I follow, His plans come to fruition..not mine!
Gotta Run!
Last thing I remember before the aches and pains took over my body..is completing 20 miles on Friday!! 20 miles! Just typing 20 miles makes me smile! Thank you Lord! 26 more days until the Marathon!
The reality of what I have been training for since January is settling in deeper with every passing day. To actually be less than a month away from my goal is a little overwhelming emotionally. I set this goal in motion as a tangible way for me to show Katie that my future isn't necessarily a short one due to my diagnosis. Training has been an even bigger journey of discovery than I could have ever imagined!
Just over 6 months after Skip went home to Jesus is when my training began. Today, 10 months later..I can honestly say I know myself better because of where running has taken me. My heart yearns, still hurts, aches even to see Skip's face waiting for me at the Finish Line..but I trust that the Lord knew my pain and the depth of it, and He meets me in it. He meets me. Although I will not be greeted by Skip after 26.2 miles, I will be greeted.
Please keep me in your prayers, 20 miles was tough! Adding even a half mile more seems daunting.
On race day, before I even begin mile 1...I will reflect on this truth: He guides me, I follow, His plans come to fruition..not mine!
Gotta Run!
Friday, October 29, 2010
The Air I Breathe
There is something amazing that happens to us when we exceed our own expectations. I know I have felt it during this last year as I have pressed on with running and training for the upcoming Marathon. What a gift I have received each time I run farther than my last goal! As I have mentioned before, my "done" button was pressed a long time ago (by me)....yet I am learning there is more in me than I ever imagined! Thank you Lord for such knowledge! He walks and runs with me, revealing new strength in me that I had no idea I had. I am assured that what ever is in the future for me....the Marathon, writing, raising Katie, a profession... I will face all with a perspective I didn't have 16 months ago. Each day that I have lived in the last 16 months has been necessary in order to be standing as who I am today. Yes, I have opened my eyes to some days and then quickly closed them tightly, wanting to sleep it away. The praise that is on my lips today, is simply that those days have not outnumbered the others. Regardless of the emotions in my heart and soul....I cling to this amazing fact: Every breath brings me closer to the woman I have been created on purpose to be. So, I breathe. Something I truly have no control over. Strange, I have had my breath taken away, had it lodged deep in my throat with no escape, even felt it being sucked right out of me. Today, with each breath, I journey deeper into myself, always with His strength, guidance and amazing patience! I have sung "This is the Air I breathe" in worship so many times. So many times in fact, that when I was singing on the worship team, I would cringe a little when I saw it listed on the song list! Isn't that awful? To admit that is just the truth in my ugliness. Now, however, I meditate on the words that now minister to and reflect my very heart!
Gotta Run!
This is the air I breathe
This is the air I breathe
Your holy presence
Living in me
This is my daily bread
This is my daily bread
Your very word
Spoken to me
And I ... I'm desparate for you
And I ... I'm lost without you
This is air I breathe
This is air I breathe
Your holy presence
Living in me
This is my daily bread
This is my daily bread
Your very word
Spoken to me
And I ... I'm desparate for you
And I ... I'm lost without you (eh hey, yeah)
And I ... I'm desparate for you
And I ... I'm lost without you
And I ... I'm desparate for you
And I ... I'm lost without you
I'm lost without you
I'm lost without you
I'm lost without you (father)
I'm lost..without you
This is the air I breathe
This is the air I breathe
Gotta Run!
This is the air I breathe
This is the air I breathe
Your holy presence
Living in me
This is my daily bread
This is my daily bread
Your very word
Spoken to me
And I ... I'm desparate for you
And I ... I'm lost without you
This is air I breathe
This is air I breathe
Your holy presence
Living in me
This is my daily bread
This is my daily bread
Your very word
Spoken to me
And I ... I'm desparate for you
And I ... I'm lost without you (eh hey, yeah)
And I ... I'm desparate for you
And I ... I'm lost without you
And I ... I'm desparate for you
And I ... I'm lost without you
I'm lost without you
I'm lost without you
I'm lost without you (father)
I'm lost..without you
This is the air I breathe
This is the air I breathe
Friday, October 22, 2010
September Mourn.......
September was my mourning month. I'm not saying that when the calender flipped to October I was all smiles..but truly, September seemed to cover me in emotions I have been running away from.
It may have been because our last house guests left in the middle of August and we had no company coming until the first week in October. A month without guests...that hasn't happened since moving in our home in February. Don't get me wrong...having loving friends and family near has blessed us, but it has also allowed me to "live on the surface". Meaning, I have been able to care for others and keep my focus on their needs, which gave me the gift of not looking to closely at my reality.
September mourn.
October brought lovely friends who lavished love on us. It also brought longer runs on our Fridays. Today I did 18 miles. It amazes me how much mental preparation plays a part in this journey of training. Last week we ran 10 miles, and I was done after the last step. I couldn't have gone another mile...I dragged myself to the ocean and stayed there like a beached whale. Today after completing 18 miles, I was wiped..but did it. The mind is an amazing muscle. It's as if I work myself up to the long Friday all week...accepting in my mind the task before me..and I....JUST DO IT! :)
Last week my Pastor shared about the "Beauty in the crushing". Being crushed hurts..we hate it, we fight it, we look for an escape from it. Yet, it is in our season of crushing that our Lord refines us. To be made beautiful in Him is not a painless process. The hurt we feel as the outer layers get shaved away..only make us that much more beautiful.
My goal for the Honolulu Marathon is mine, but it is not my only goal. Another goal of mine is to continue to STAND in my crushing season....so that when you see beauty in me...you would only see HIM!
Gotta Run!
It may have been because our last house guests left in the middle of August and we had no company coming until the first week in October. A month without guests...that hasn't happened since moving in our home in February. Don't get me wrong...having loving friends and family near has blessed us, but it has also allowed me to "live on the surface". Meaning, I have been able to care for others and keep my focus on their needs, which gave me the gift of not looking to closely at my reality.
September mourn.
October brought lovely friends who lavished love on us. It also brought longer runs on our Fridays. Today I did 18 miles. It amazes me how much mental preparation plays a part in this journey of training. Last week we ran 10 miles, and I was done after the last step. I couldn't have gone another mile...I dragged myself to the ocean and stayed there like a beached whale. Today after completing 18 miles, I was wiped..but did it. The mind is an amazing muscle. It's as if I work myself up to the long Friday all week...accepting in my mind the task before me..and I....JUST DO IT! :)
Last week my Pastor shared about the "Beauty in the crushing". Being crushed hurts..we hate it, we fight it, we look for an escape from it. Yet, it is in our season of crushing that our Lord refines us. To be made beautiful in Him is not a painless process. The hurt we feel as the outer layers get shaved away..only make us that much more beautiful.
My goal for the Honolulu Marathon is mine, but it is not my only goal. Another goal of mine is to continue to STAND in my crushing season....so that when you see beauty in me...you would only see HIM!
Gotta Run!
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