The lateness in this update reflects exactly how I feel.......it's as if my internal engine has gone from 60mph to zero. This past week has been the first week that Katie and I have been home alone all summer. It's good to be home, and alone. I doubt I would be experiencing all that I am feeling if I was entertaining guests, or traveling and away from home. Or I should say, succumbing, allowing and accepting the feelings as they engulf me.
For 5 days I have driven Katie to school...picked her up at the end of her day...came home and was in bed by 8pm. What have I done in the between times? Pretty much nothing. Nothing. No exaggeration.
I have watched countless movies on Lifetime. Nestled on my couch. Cried while driving, during my movie marathons, in the shower...
The utter shutting down leaves me feeling powerless to stop it. I THINK of things I should be doing...but don't. Yesterday I knew I had to pay my electric, cable and phone bills, stop at the bank and run to the post office. Holing up in my home all week, I knew these errands HAD to get done. So, what did I do? I waited until the very last moment I could....then picked up Katie from school, and while she drove home, we stopped at every place I needed to so she could walk in and make the payments and mail the box. Katie thought it was cool that she could help me out...I just thought it was pathetic.
I didn't wake up on Monday thinking, "OK, now I'm gonna just chill out". No. I just seem to have a homing device that brings me back to my bed....my couch...my lanai. God IS God. HE is in control. HE is faithful and will never forsake me or leave me. I know this. At this time, this knowledge does not move me off my couch.
While Katie was trying out for a school drama production Wednesday night, I went running. I set a goal of 5 miles and plugged into my Ipod. I did it. I also came home and crawled into bed without showering or changing out of my running clothes.
A season. A dry spell. A breather, down time, checking out. Mourning.
Uncharted waters, navigating through as if my boat is just drifting. Why do I feel I need to ask for permission to feel this way? It's a constant war in my head as I try to be real, be myself, just be.
After writing all the above, I feel compelled to write the following.
Yes, I recognize I'm wallowing in a pit. I won't stay there. It's not home. I do see beyond today. I will lace up my shoes and do my 6 miles....who cares if the whole time I'm running my couch is beckoning me.
Gotta Run!
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Breathing
The summer has come to an end...almost. Our travels to California, Arizona and North Carolina are behind us, yet each place left it's imprint on our hearts.
Arriving home we had 8 BEAUTIFUL house guests staying with us, the first beat us home and the last left on Monday. Our door continues to be a revolving one as we have 4 more precious guests coming to visit us on Thursday. During the in between time of company, Katie and I have jumped off the freeway of life and have simply enjoyed...breathing! Our time together is precious to us and to just sit and snuggle and watch a movie, take a nap or hang out at the beach seems the perfect way to spend our last days of summer together.
My long weekend in North Carolina at the She Speaks conference was amazing. To arrive and immediately be surrounded by women who are answering the call they feel the Lord has put on their hearts to write, speak or both...was incredible, intimidating and honestly, completely overwhelming! Sitting and listening to the inner workings of preparing a book proposal and "pitching it"...hearing from Agent's on what they look for before taking you as a client, their expectations on how YOU as the writer will market your own book. Sitting with women at lunch as they passed out their business cards which included their contact information, addresses to their blogs, websites and "blog books", etc. I felt like the kid on the outside looking into a world I didn't even know existed! Yet here I was getting a front row seat because the Lord planned it that way! I shared my writings with published authors and received their critiques, listened to their stories of how their books got published...and I prayed every minute, asking the Lord, "please show me why I'm here and what this all means to me".
By settling into my seat as I boarded the plane back to Maui, my Father whispered sweet words that touched my soul. He said, "your obedience IS your calling, I will use it for my glory". His equipping is truly for each moment, and in those moments He wants to reveal Himself in us, and He desires for us to follow Him...sometimes straight into the unknown! I met women who KNEW they were created to write. I met women who have been Speaking for several years and although I felt completely out of my comfort zone, I took enough notes to fill my entire notebook and I hung onto each pearl of wisdom shared by the Speakers, authors, agents and publishers. I knew all that I was learning would equip me for whatever the Lord wanted for me.
I returned home with a renewed desire to write more, to read my journals and notes I have written this past year and focus on what is inside of me that could come out in the form of an article, a short story....a book, or just a heartfelt letter to friends like you!
Being Katie's mom, helping her prepare for her Jr. year, getting her driver's license, walking together as we heal, this I know is my purpose....and I treasure it.
Carol and I are working on a running schedule again and I am thankful for the ability to lace up my sneakers, plug into my ipod and run until she says stop!
Gotta Run!
Arriving home we had 8 BEAUTIFUL house guests staying with us, the first beat us home and the last left on Monday. Our door continues to be a revolving one as we have 4 more precious guests coming to visit us on Thursday. During the in between time of company, Katie and I have jumped off the freeway of life and have simply enjoyed...breathing! Our time together is precious to us and to just sit and snuggle and watch a movie, take a nap or hang out at the beach seems the perfect way to spend our last days of summer together.
My long weekend in North Carolina at the She Speaks conference was amazing. To arrive and immediately be surrounded by women who are answering the call they feel the Lord has put on their hearts to write, speak or both...was incredible, intimidating and honestly, completely overwhelming! Sitting and listening to the inner workings of preparing a book proposal and "pitching it"...hearing from Agent's on what they look for before taking you as a client, their expectations on how YOU as the writer will market your own book. Sitting with women at lunch as they passed out their business cards which included their contact information, addresses to their blogs, websites and "blog books", etc. I felt like the kid on the outside looking into a world I didn't even know existed! Yet here I was getting a front row seat because the Lord planned it that way! I shared my writings with published authors and received their critiques, listened to their stories of how their books got published...and I prayed every minute, asking the Lord, "please show me why I'm here and what this all means to me".
By settling into my seat as I boarded the plane back to Maui, my Father whispered sweet words that touched my soul. He said, "your obedience IS your calling, I will use it for my glory". His equipping is truly for each moment, and in those moments He wants to reveal Himself in us, and He desires for us to follow Him...sometimes straight into the unknown! I met women who KNEW they were created to write. I met women who have been Speaking for several years and although I felt completely out of my comfort zone, I took enough notes to fill my entire notebook and I hung onto each pearl of wisdom shared by the Speakers, authors, agents and publishers. I knew all that I was learning would equip me for whatever the Lord wanted for me.
I returned home with a renewed desire to write more, to read my journals and notes I have written this past year and focus on what is inside of me that could come out in the form of an article, a short story....a book, or just a heartfelt letter to friends like you!
Being Katie's mom, helping her prepare for her Jr. year, getting her driver's license, walking together as we heal, this I know is my purpose....and I treasure it.
Carol and I are working on a running schedule again and I am thankful for the ability to lace up my sneakers, plug into my ipod and run until she says stop!
Gotta Run!
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