I AM A 2010 HONOLULU MARATHON FINISHER!!!

I have been thinking about this "Aloha Blog" for sometime now...wondering what words the Lord would give to me. I'm sitting here, 2 days after the Marathon, still wondering! Okay Lord, please show up, show off, and let Your words come out of me!

We flew from Maui to Oahu the Friday before the race. My Mother-in-Law, niece, friend Sarah, Carol and I, all arrived with excitement and our own individual thoughts and emotions. We picked up our Race packets right after we arrived. The Honolulu Marathon had over 26,000 runners and 60% of those runners were from Japan. Walking thru the Expo was like being at Disneyland and riding "It's a Small World". I heard so many different languages in the 2 hours we were there, some lilting and lyrical, others choppy and gruff..some just plain loud and annoying. :) Although I could not begin to tell you what they were saying "exactly"...I got the gist of it, we were all EXCITED to be there and we all wanted souvenirs to take home to commemorate our achievements! No need for a translator...we were linked by a common goal. In less than 48hrs we were all going to walk, jog, run, crawl.. 26.2 miles. A key chain, a t-shirt, a water bottle...even a bumper sticker, all sounded like wise ways to spend our money!! :)

Saturday morning we set out to drive the course. From start to finish we drove mile after mile, taking note of the port a potty locations, the inclines, the shady stretches and of course..the only hill on the course..Diamond Head. The drive took us about an hour and a half....the run on sunday would be a completely different story!

By Saturday night my emotions were on high tilt...someone would hug me and look me deep in the eyes and I would well up. I spoke with family and friends on the phone and I would break down and ball. We would be praying and I would weep and then get it together, only to have them cry!! There was no getting around it, I was experiencing deep emotions that I had held at bay for a very long time. The flood gates opened up and I came face to face with all my sorrows, fears, doubts, excitement, nerves and just plain disbelief that the "moment" had arrived. We had carbed up for dinner, I had pinned my bib number to my jog bra, my running chip was secured on my shoes, and I had sent my last FB status update. It was time to hit the sack. My cousins were driving Sarah, Carol and I to the race in the morning and had generously opened their home to us the night before. Carol and Sarah were in one room and I was in another. Kale, one of my cousin's sons' graciously lent me his room. Kale is a great guy...who loves animals...ALL animals. He has been known to bring home strays of all kinds and give them a home..in his room..the one I would be sleeping in.

That night, the night before the race...the race I have been training for, Kale's room was home to a snake and an Iguana. When it was time to go to bed, I went upstairs to his room and opened the door and turned on the switch for the light. Nothing happened. The room remained pitch black. I shut the door and stood outside of his room for a few seconds. I opened the door and tried the switch again..still NOTHING. Trying to not let my imagination get the best of me..I went downstairs and asked his sister, "Is Kale's snake and Iguana in their glass tanks with the lids on...with no possibility of them getting out?" I could see on her face that she was actually playing with the idea of "toying" with me. I stood my ground and gave her the "look" and repeated my question. Once she confirmed that there was no chance that Kale's pets could get loose, I resigned myself to believing her and went back upstairs. I opened the door, walked in the room and shut the door. I was immediately engulfed in blackness..and eery quiet! I took a deep breath and took another step toward what I could only assume was the direction to the bed. I walked right into a drum set..and was greeted by the clanging of the symbols! I stilled it..AND my heart and pressed on. I took tentative steps and tried to feel my way around. I walked over piles of clothes and made my way to the mattress on the floor. I cleared the bed of "stuff" that seemed like a tennis shoe, more clothes and possibly a clock that was unplugged. I straightened the covers, put my headphones on, turned my IPOD to "shuffle", said goodnight to my caged (Lord, I pray they are caged!), roommates, and fell into a deep sleep! Thank you, Lord!!!

We woke the next morning, RACE DAY at 3am. We planned to be at the race by 4:15ish so we would have plenty of time to get settled before the race started at 5am. My first thought when I got up was, "Here we go". Putting on my running clothes felt almost like I was going for an early morning jog..something I had been doing for almost 11 months now. There was just one big difference..my top had a bib number pinned to it...9782. This was the day I had been training for. This was the day I had been imagining in my head. This was the day that me and 26,000 other runners had marked on our calenders. This was the day that the Lord had made! Honestly, I was not experiencing feelings of rejoicing or being glad in it!! Yet.

We arrived at the race, toast in our bellies and port a potties on our minds. Downtown Honolulu was in full Marathon mode..from the loud pulsing music blaring from well positioned speakers..to the local news teams interviewing excited runners..to the now familiar layers of languages all swirling around me. Fifteen minutes before the Start, we stood still and sang the National Anthem..Five minutes before the Start, the sky exploded with a brilliant display of fireworks. The last minute before we took our first steps..I prayed, "Lord, I'm Yours, let's do this!"

I wasn't going to share this next fact..but I remembered this is MY Blog, what you read is all of me! The night before the race, I took my running shoes and went to a quiet spot. I took out a small container I brought from home and held it close to my heart. I opened the lid, and with love and the Lord in my heart..poured it's contents onto the inside souls of my shoes. When the Race started, I took those first steps, with prayer on my lips, determination in my heart..and a tiny portion of my dear Skip's ashes in my shoes..he would be taking the journey with me, every step of the way!

Mile after mile we pressed on. The sea of runners, joggers and walkers was so thick, we were weaving in and out at a consistent pace for the first several miles. I have mentioned this before and I'll say it again..I am not a "joyful" jogger. I begin every run with one thought in mind..to finish! Carol and Sarah chatted about the weather, the crazy outfits that some runners were wearing, the stores we passed along the route, and the Christmas lights displayed brightly in the darkness of the early morning. I said not one word. At one point, it may have been around mile 13, Carol came along one side of me and Sarah the other. Carol asked, "do you wanna hear about Sarah's story of moving from her townhouse to her house..or do you wanna stay focused?"..I grunted, "stay focused". It's not a truth I'm proud of..but I just was not IN THE MOOD to CHAT!

I could easily have cried from mile one all the way to the Finish. My emotions had my eyes brimming with tears and I had to force myself to swallow them and put them in check. I told myself I had to keep it together and not shed my tears until I could afford the emotional cost. I drank water and Gatorade from every hydration station. I ate every Goo chomp Carol handed me without argument. I even squatted in the bushes to "shishi" rather than wait in the ridiculously long lines for the bathrooms. What I couldn't do..was lose my focus.

Mile 20 came and my wheels started to come off. Everything was going fine up until then. I started to notice that my legs hurt..ALOT. I started to ache in the backs of my knees, and my tears were getting harder to swallow back. After mile 20, I started to LOOK HARD for every mile marker. The miles seemed to go on FOREVER! The silence from all the runners seemed louder than the live bands that were playing in front yards along the route. To be surrounded by so many people that were saying nothing, was noticeable. I will remember that quiet mixed with the sound of feet pounding on the pavement forever and define it as "focused determination".

Mile 23 had us trekking up Diamond Head for the second time. The hill felt never ending. I kept looking for the next mile marker and saying to myself, "Come on 24!!! Come on 24!!" When we hit mile 24 I immediately began scanning ahead for mile marker 25!! Throughout the entire race I continued to say out loud to myself, "You Got This!, Lord, WE Got This!" I repeated that phrase over and over as I took step after step. I stopped and stretched several times between mile 24 and 25. My legs felt like rubber and now..the tears were silently streaming down my face. I couldn't hold them in any longer. My emotions were surfacing and exploding out of me. As Diamond Head leveled out I looked to my left and took in the breathtaking view of the ocean and the sun shining so brightly above it and on it. I looked out at the surfers and smiled thru my tears. I was openly sobbing as I saw surfers catch wave after wave. I spoke to Skip and said, "Babe, this is it. I'm doing it! We're doing it! I know you are proud of me, can you believe I'm about to finish this thing!!?" I took deep breaths and told Carol how much I loved her. We hit mile 26 and jogged down Diamond Head and started to make the turn towards the Finish. I could see the big white tents, the tents that housed my Finisher t-shirt and medal!!! The three of us raised our arms and jogged on as they announced our names over the loudspeaker. I heard my name being yelled and saw friends and family cheering us on. I stopped on the way in and hugged them all, crying with them as they lovingly waved signs, took pictures and shared in this amazing moment!

The whole race was such an individual journey. Although I was surrounded by all those people, knowing the Lord had moved my feet every step of the way..I had to acknowledge my part: I chose to let the Lord move me. Mile after mile, six hours and 50 minutes out on that course..I was yielded to my Father. I faced myself and all that was and is inside of me. Six hours and 50 minutes is a long time for self introspection. I truly experienced moments of aloneness. Moments of deep sorrow, knowing that Skip would not physically be greeting me at the Finish. I had to be honest with myself and admit that a small part of me still clung to the tiniest of hopes that he would..somehow be there. Believing that by accomplishing this goal that I set..by sweating..aching and digging deeper than I ever have physically AND mentally..the Lord would choose to turn the "reality clock" back..just for me. Some of the tears I shed as I neared that Finish line were born from needing to once again accept what the truth was, what my God had decided to be my reality. The other tears that rolled down my face, the tears that caused me to raise my hands high to the sky, the tears that I could smile through..were born from sharing my achievement with those who love me. Those who pray for me. Those who embraced me at the Finish, and those who were across the ocean whispering up prayers on my behalf. I cried because I miss my best friend..but I am RICH with love!!

Katie girl hugged me and whispered in my ear that she is proud to be my daughter. She said, "Mom, I'm so thankful that God gave me you as an example of how to love Him". For that gift, I cried thankful tears, humbled tears and overwhelmed tears.

This "Aloha Blog" could go on and on..but I believe everything has been said. I am honored that you took this journey with me. I am blessed that your prayers, love and encouragement carried me mile after mile. I pray that what He chose for me to write, would allow you to see Him in me and in yourselves. Our journeys are all different, all mixed with joys and sorrows. However, our common thread of hope, the reason we strive to understand and fulfill our purpose, is truly what links our hearts together.

The race was not about me finishing, although that was my goal. The days of training, the learned discipline, the action of obedience, no matter if I "felt" like it..was God's plan the entire time for me. Long ago, during a trying time in my life, I heard the Lord audibly say to me repeatedly, "Kimmy, if you love Me, you will serve with Me with your whole heart". That's the journey. That continues to be my plan.

I will press on, and serve Him with my whole heart! The morning of the race I wrote "2 Tim. 4:7" on my left arm..I looked down at it alot on race day. Although it has since been washed off..it will forever be imprinted on my heart!

2 Timothy 4:7 "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."

The Marathon continues..for all of us!

My heart is getting put back together because of your love for Him that spills out of each of you..onto me! I flew back to Maui wearing my FINISHER t-shirt and medal proudly! My running shoes were peeled off my feet after the race..and haven't been touched since!

Gotta Run!
(Not literally..I'm taking a little break!)

Click here to see my finisher video!

5 days!!!

Carol and I went for our 3 mile run today and we both commented on our thoughts of "what are we gonna do after the big race"?? We know we will continue to build our friendship, but it will be the beginning of new things for both of us.

We serve such an amazing Lord and Father!!! I still marvel at how He blessed me with such a dear sister who had the strengths and gifts that would speak into my life just when I needed them!!

It is a continual reminder that our Father gives us "enough" manna for the day we are in. We don't get an extra dose, a supply to store up for later...we get "enough" for today. He provided Carol in the form of my manna..I needed a trainer, I needed a tangible plan to reach my goal..Carol was my manna. Come Monday, when I wake up after the Marathon..He will show me the next steps I am to take..and I trust He will provide my manna. :) Why wouldn't I? He has met me in all my needs...always giving me "enough". Although I have screamed, shouted, begged, prayed and cried for MORE..He has met me in my need...and given me enough.

Last night I had an interesting conversation with my 16yr old daughter, Katie. I had to limit her on something that she would have rather I not. My words were confusing, difficult for her to understand. Her initial response to me was that she felt I was holding her back, not letting her grow up. Boy, those words never get easier to hear. I lovingly told her, "Babe, it IS hard for me to watch my little girl grow up...but that is not what my limits are about. Your innocence is for me to protect, and I will forever do just that". She took time to think about my words, and when we went to bed, she said, "Mom, I know you are right, it's hard even when I know you are right..but I love you and accept your decision". There was no long hug, there was no kisses and sweet nose rubs..her words were...just "enough".

Today I got a text from her with "xoxox"...Thank you Lord! Sometimes as parents, we want MORE...but we GET enough! :)

Gotta Run!!!!

6 days..yikes!

Today I ran 3 miles and as we went uphill and then back down I was...giddy! Carol and I talked about the training we have experienced together, the love/hate emotions I feel for her during that process. Hate is too strong a word..more like extremely pissed off when she runs circles around me telling me to "pick up my pace". When she yells for me to stop and replenish with water and I yell back, "NO!!"..even though I am soo thirsty!!! :) It's like I turn into a little bratty kid not wanting to give my big sister the satisfaction in being right!! Yet, when we reach our goal, when we finish the run we set out to do, in the time frame we set for ourselves, I am SO IN LOVE with her all over again!! The beautiful part is that she simply "gets it, gets me". She takes no offense when I give her my look that says if I could catch my breath to speak, I'd cuss you out..she just smiles and keeps the pace. I have no other friend like her in my life at this time, she has been truly given to me from the Lord at the precise time I needed her..and she feels the same about me. The talks we have had as we have covered countless miles, hours upon hours together..our treasures to us. She has seen inside of me and I her..our friendship will last beyond trainer and trainee, for that I am so grateful.

Carol never had the chance to meet Skip, she and her family entered my life after Skip went home to glory. Her husband is the State Farm Agent who came to Maui to take over our business. To say that I had no interest in befriending this family is an understatement..and yet it was God's plan that we meet, live on the same street, have children the same age who attended the same school..and of course they started to come to my church. People that I did not want to love..I deeply do. That is the curiousness and the wisdom of our Lord..and a glimpse of His sense of humor!

My mind creates stories, circumstances with somewhat predictable endings. I daydream and write my thoughts down and marvel at the work of my Father as I write..yet true life matters, such as the friendship between a woman from Alaska and a woman with a shattered heart, sound more unbelievable than fiction..but couldn't be more true! That is the working of our Lord!

With that said, let me tell you a story about a woman who experienced a day that would change her life forever, never allowing her to go back to what was familiar or routine ever again. She took a step at a time and walked for 3 months in her daze only to discover her health was compromised. Since that time, she has trained for a Marathon she will run in 6 days, she has spoke at several Women's Events, she has won a writing scholarship to attend a Writer's Conference, she has traveled, taken a cruise, witnessed her daughter turn 16yrs old and get her drivers license, bought a house and has welcomed over 30 friends into her new home since moving in on February 1st. This "story" couldn't have been born from imagination...only from the working of her Lord...our Lord...our Majestic and loving Father!

I sit in wonder and awe..looking out at the ocean, knowing He formed it and my heart, each with tender thought and care.

Gotta Run!

7 days!!!

Oh my goodness...7 days left!!!!

My nerves are on high alert..I haven't slept well in 2 nights. I am filled with so many emotions and such amazement that the time is here. I am determined to just show up and leave it all there at the race! Looking back on these past 11 months I see so much that I have experienced and learned..all cherished treasures that will stay with me as I continue to grow. It's true when I say that the 18 months that have passed since Skip going home to the Lord..truly..feel like 18 minutes in my heart.

I have spent alot of time praying, wondering and hoping.. that what I do, the decisions and choices I have made, make Skip proud. I have second guessed myself many a time, causing the "analysis paralysis" to settle in around me, leaving me spinning in uncertainty. Thankfully, I have learned that trusting the Lord, my discernment and good council has allowed me to do just fine. :) I have also learned that some poor decisions can also be the best life lessons for the future...even if they were painfully learned!

Tomorrow I will run 3-4 miles and keep it easy and at the pace that we have set. Mondays have tended to be rougher run days as we rest on the weekends and I seem to start slower and get in a groove somewhere in the middle. It's our "last" Monday before the race! :) My heart just did a flip and my inner voice just shouted "hallelujah"!!!

I'm still completely unsure what will become of my "running career" after the Marathon. I toy with the idea of having a big bon fire and throwing my running shoes and all my running clothes in and watching them go up in a blaze! Or...will I take a brake and lace up my running shoes up after the holidays?? Truly, I don't know. It'll be fun to find out! Maybe I'll go for a run in my FINISHER t-shirt!!! :) It's definitely gonna be a new favorite added to my everyday wardrobe!

I'm working on my Marathon IPOD playlist. I've already got some blood pumping, get up and go must haves like, "Eye of the Tiger", "Let's get it started", "I'm a Survivor" and some bopping worship music that has already carried me thru some difficult miles. Any suggestions???

Gotta Run!

8 days to go!!

Today I was blessed with spending precious time with sweet sisters at a Christmas Tea. To be with dear friends who love with their eyes and hug you with arms that envelope you is a treasure to me. To look around a room filled with women who love the Lord, each other and me...regardless if we know each other or not..is a gift. :)

Alot of women today know me, "my story", and my countdown to the Marathon. To be engulfed in love without the need to say much is priceless. It made me think that a little piece of heaven may be like that...Surrounded in love, deep accepting love and have no need for long explanations for the tears that fall or for our hearts that are exposed yet do not leave us feeling vulnerable. Yes, heavenly!

Katie sat with me and was moved to tears as she felt herself steeped in memories of attending this same tea in years past. Attending this same tea while her Daddy served us in a starched white collared shirt and black slacks with other men in our church. Watching her, I could almost read her thoughts..my heart ached when we both reached for each others hands as we both braced ourselves during a strong wave of emotion. She's beautiful. She's brave. She's her Father's daughter. She's someone that I want to make proud of me.

Truthfully, I am learning and relearning that life can be hard. Life can be overwhelmingly hard...but that is where I reach the end of myself, and fall to my knees and ask for help. Running mile after mile has NOTHING to do with MY abilities or MY strength...it has EVERYTHING to do with my Father's desire to work in me. It's not about the glory I get in accomplishing this goal..it's more about Him revealing Himself in me as He leads me into each mile. Once I cross the Finish Line, it will definitely be an accomplishment, yet my inner Marathon will continue to require my participation and obedience to be yielded to His plan for me.

Tonight, His plan seems a little lonely. His plan feels uncertain and somewhat uncomfortable. The beauty in being His..is that how I FEEL is not what defines me. Trusting Him amidst the confusion, loneliness and ocean of uncertainty...does define me.

Lord, my heart is yours, take it, all of me..and make me worthy! Calm my fears Lord, allow the "noise" to wash away from my thoughts...leaving only You and what is true. 8 days!!!

Gotta Run!

9 days!!!!

We ran 6 miles this morning and it always amazes me how we mentally prepare our bodies for the goal of the day. Six didn't feel like 20 miles, but it left me breathing hard regardless. Today's run was my last distance one until race day. I will run 2-3 miles daily next week and rest Friday and Saturday before the big day. I notice that my thoughts continue to drift to the "big day" as I press on into the day I am in...it never is far from my thoughts and prayers. I know that I will have ALOT of time during the Marathon to think..but I know that my thoughts will touch upon crossing the Finish line and wishing I could fall into Skip's arms. It's not a thought that leaves me heavy feeling, but it is one that presses on my heart. To look into his eyes and have him wrap me in his arms, possibly carry me to a shady spot under a tree as he whispers over and over how proud he is of me. :) I know I will hear him that day! I like to imagine Skip at the right hand of our Father as they both look down on me and Skip saying, "Lord, can you believe her? I have tried to get her to exercise for YEARS!!!!..Now look at her go!" I see them both smiling and shaking their heads. :)

Today is a good day. I got my scan results back from my Dr and all looks good. My scans show that the cancer has not spread and remains in both of my lungs. I have a cough that has been persistent and he has prescribed additional medicine for me in hopes that it will sooth my cough in a months' time. If not, I will go back and do a Pet Scan. Bottom line, I am doing well and my body continues to respond to the medicine. Although there has been no shrinking...there has been no growth or spreading! This is praise and I am blessed.

My friends, to be writing about my health, about the upcoming Marathon, about my love for my husband who I miss dearly everyday....to have this outlet is a source of strength for me. Thank you for the sweet encouragement, the "you go girls" and the comments that let me know you are with me as I press on.

Continuing the countdown....knowing it's close...praying always that He will guide me into the next moments ahead.

Gotta Run!

10 days until the Marathon!!!

As the countdown continues it seems the days are flying by with amazing speed! Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, I am faced with this simple truth...I'm scared! :) Not, "I can't do this" scared... more like a, "Wow, I'm about to DO THIS!"..scared. The time that has been devoted to training, the waking up early to run before the day gets too hot, the culmination of months of preparing..has come down to a countdown that I can see by counting all my fingers!! 10 days!

My mind swirls with countless memories of runs that we took early on in my training that had me dry heaving on the beach, or fighting personal battles in my head as my body and mind were screaming to quit..yet I found myself continuing, digging deeper.

What an amazing gift the Lord has given to me! To learn that I am stronger than I knew, to realize that my limits are self-imposed and not at all born from fact. This gift of insight, no matter what age we are given it, is meant to be treasured and utilized from this point on. Regardless if I run another mile after the Marathon, I will forever have the knowledge that with Him...I CAN. Believing and Living it out are two very different things.

Skip's mom and his niece have flown in from the mainland to share in the moment when I cross the Finish Line...to be given such a sweet gift of encouragement is overwhelming. The reality of the moment I have been anticipating is washing over me.. 10 days!!!

We will run 6 miles tomorrow, cutting back our distance runs and focusing on staying active but not over doing it.

It's official....my race number is #9782!!!!!

Gotta Run!

The Parent Trap

How many times have we as parents wanted to press the PAUSE button in the middle of a heated tongue lashing we are spewing out on our children? For me, the truth is too often to be proud of! The PAUSE button would instantly freeze the moment, allowing me to walk away, gather my thoughts and cool down. I could call Focus on the Family and ask for their expert guidance. I could lace up my running shoes and go for a quick run to exhaust myself physically and to gather my thoughts. I could look up scriptures to back up my side of the argument, then “lovingly” SHOVE them all down her throat! Or..I could, I should, I will…simply pray. Ugh!! Why is it so painful to humble myself in front of my daughter? Regardless if I am accurate in my anger, correct in my counseling, godly in my godly wisdom…if I am spewing it…how am I glorifying my God?

I was woken up this morning by the sound of car brakes squealing and metal scraping. I jumped out of bed with surprising agility and ran out my front door (thank you Lord that I had my pj bottoms on!), to find my daughter in my little red convertible stuck on the steep slant of our driveway. Halfway down she scraped the rock wall that frames our driveway and was now uncertain how to adjust forward, thus the repetitive scraping noise! I stood at the top of our driveway looking down at her assessing the situation. I guided her on which way to turn the wheel, guided her back up the driveway, then once she was straightened out, guided her back down. Honestly, when I ran outside and saw that she was okay, immediate relief filled my heart. The puzzling piece is how quickly that relief turned to irritation as I saw the paint scraped off the backside of my car!!! Talk about being hit by waves of emotions! I stood there as she backed out. I watched her as she cleared the driveway and pointed the car towards the direction she was heading. She paused and looked up at me. I stood there looking at her. She continued to look at me. I continued to stand there. She then said what anyone would say, the only thing to say... “Sorry”.

This event took placed at 6:40am this morning and it is now 1:45pm. At 10:00am I received a text from Katie saying, “Hi…..” I didn't respond. I was coming home from the dentist and my tooth that is infected was killing me and I was in no mood to reply. Since then the Lord has walked me through a series of truths. He pressed a PAUSE button. He allowed me to hear His voice and confirm what I knew to be true. Katie needs grace and mercy. Katie needs my covering. The words that were whirling in my head are not words that she needs to hear or get blasted with. Accidents are just that...accidents. In the middle of running my errands today I bought a brownie pan and brownie mix, I think I will have them cooling by the time Katie comes home.

With God’s help, at 1:30pm today, I sent this reply text to Katie… ”It’s just a car. It’s fixable. You are safe, that means more to me. Don’t be afraid to come home… I have given it to the Lord. Love, Mom”.

We could get caught up with our questions of “why”…or we can PAUSE, take our thoughts captive and actually say and do what He wills. It requires an obedient heart and the dying of ourselves, nothing more than what Jesus did for us.

Although this blog is meant for my marathon training, I shared the above story to remind myself how great we can be when we live in the shadow of His wings!

20 days until the Marathon!!!!

Gotta Run!

20 miles down...26 days to go!

I woke up today with a huge headache...a headache that has lasted 3 days! I got bit by an awful stomach bug Friday night..which has now bit my "Katie bug". So, here we are, in my bed...each of us with our own rolls of toilet paper, cough drops and trash cans beside each of our sides of the bed. Our coughing and moans are creating quite a symphony!

Last thing I remember before the aches and pains took over my body..is completing 20 miles on Friday!! 20 miles! Just typing 20 miles makes me smile! Thank you Lord! 26 more days until the Marathon!

The reality of what I have been training for since January is settling in deeper with every passing day. To actually be less than a month away from my goal is a little overwhelming emotionally. I set this goal in motion as a tangible way for me to show Katie that my future isn't necessarily a short one due to my diagnosis. Training has been an even bigger journey of discovery than I could have ever imagined!

Just over 6 months after Skip went home to Jesus is when my training began. Today, 10 months later..I can honestly say I know myself better because of where running has taken me. My heart yearns, still hurts, aches even to see Skip's face waiting for me at the Finish Line..but I trust that the Lord knew my pain and the depth of it, and He meets me in it. He meets me. Although I will not be greeted by Skip after 26.2 miles, I will be greeted.

Please keep me in your prayers, 20 miles was tough! Adding even a half mile more seems daunting.

On race day, before I even begin mile 1...I will reflect on this truth: He guides me, I follow, His plans come to fruition..not mine!

Gotta Run!

The Air I Breathe

There is something amazing that happens to us when we exceed our own expectations. I know I have felt it during this last year as I have pressed on with running and training for the upcoming Marathon. What a gift I have received each time I run farther than my last goal! As I have mentioned before, my "done" button was pressed a long time ago (by me)....yet I am learning there is more in me than I ever imagined! Thank you Lord for such knowledge! He walks and runs with me, revealing new strength in me that I had no idea I had. I am assured that what ever is in the future for me....the Marathon, writing, raising Katie, a profession... I will face all with a perspective I didn't have 16 months ago. Each day that I have lived in the last 16 months has been necessary in order to be standing as who I am today. Yes, I have opened my eyes to some days and then quickly closed them tightly, wanting to sleep it away. The praise that is on my lips today, is simply that those days have not outnumbered the others. Regardless of the emotions in my heart and soul....I cling to this amazing fact: Every breath brings me closer to the woman I have been created on purpose to be. So, I breathe. Something I truly have no control over. Strange, I have had my breath taken away, had it lodged deep in my throat with no escape, even felt it being sucked right out of me. Today, with each breath, I journey deeper into myself, always with His strength, guidance and amazing patience! I have sung "This is the Air I breathe" in worship so many times. So many times in fact, that when I was singing on the worship team, I would cringe a little when I saw it listed on the song list! Isn't that awful? To admit that is just the truth in my ugliness. Now, however, I meditate on the words that now minister to and reflect my very heart!

Gotta Run!

This is the air I breathe
This is the air I breathe
Your holy presence
Living in me

This is my daily bread
This is my daily bread
Your very word
Spoken to me

And I ... I'm desparate for you
And I ... I'm lost without you

This is air I breathe
This is air I breathe
Your holy presence
Living in me

This is my daily bread
This is my daily bread
Your very word
Spoken to me

And I ... I'm desparate for you
And I ... I'm lost without you (eh hey, yeah)
And I ... I'm desparate for you
And I ... I'm lost without you
And I ... I'm desparate for you
And I ... I'm lost without you
I'm lost without you
I'm lost without you
I'm lost without you (father)
I'm lost..without you

This is the air I breathe
This is the air I breathe

September Mourn.......

September was my mourning month. I'm not saying that when the calender flipped to October I was all smiles..but truly, September seemed to cover me in emotions I have been running away from.

It may have been because our last house guests left in the middle of August and we had no company coming until the first week in October. A month without guests...that hasn't happened since moving in our home in February. Don't get me wrong...having loving friends and family near has blessed us, but it has also allowed me to "live on the surface". Meaning, I have been able to care for others and keep my focus on their needs, which gave me the gift of not looking to closely at my reality.

September mourn.

October brought lovely friends who lavished love on us. It also brought longer runs on our Fridays. Today I did 18 miles. It amazes me how much mental preparation plays a part in this journey of training. Last week we ran 10 miles, and I was done after the last step. I couldn't have gone another mile...I dragged myself to the ocean and stayed there like a beached whale. Today after completing 18 miles, I was wiped..but did it. The mind is an amazing muscle. It's as if I work myself up to the long Friday all week...accepting in my mind the task before me..and I....JUST DO IT! :)

Last week my Pastor shared about the "Beauty in the crushing". Being crushed hurts..we hate it, we fight it, we look for an escape from it. Yet, it is in our season of crushing that our Lord refines us. To be made beautiful in Him is not a painless process. The hurt we feel as the outer layers get shaved away..only make us that much more beautiful.

My goal for the Honolulu Marathon is mine, but it is not my only goal. Another goal of mine is to continue to STAND in my crushing season....so that when you see beauty in me...you would only see HIM!

Gotta Run!

Maui Half Marathon..and beyond!

To be perfectly honest....(which strikes me as such a ridiculous statement!) Rarely does being honest ever come across as perfect. Regardless, I am floundering...floating...existing. I find myself having arguments, heated debates...with myself.

To be experiencing debilitating emotions that frustrate me..shame me..confuse me..crush me..even for a moment, leave me with feelings of unworthiness. I tell myself, "snap out of it, don't be such a martyr!". I look at myself in the mirror and the mess that looks back at me is either unrecognizable or becoming all too familiar to me.

One description that comes to mind is being at the bottom of the deep end of the pool and pushing off with your feet to propel yourself up to the surface...but no matter how hard you kick and slice through the water with your hands and arms...you make no progress. Exhausted from all your efforts to get to the top, you look down and see that an anchor has been tied around one of your ankles, not allowing you to reach the top for air. You feel empty and depleted. The only hope you have of surfacing is to reach down, pick up the anchor with both arms and walk it to the shallow end..dragging it if and when necessary. The question that always plagues me in this scenario is this...WHERE does the energy come from to do this? HOW do I/we tap into the "reserve" of strength we never even knew we had..at the absolute moment we HAVE to??

The above, no matter how depressing or pathetic it may sound, is exactly how I have been feeling. Whether on my couch, in my car, or when I have just ran 10 miles and still have 3.1 more to go to cross the Finish Line of the Half Marathon.

I crossed that Finish Line. I did it and ran 13 minutes miles. I got my Finisher t-shirt and medal. I also kept walking after I crossed the Finish Line and didn't stop or look back. As the distance between myself and the race grew...I started to cry and had no energy to stop myself. The tears came, the longing for my best friend to greet me with congratulations was enormous and overwhelming. I found a tree after awhile and sank down underneath it and sobbed. I wanted to scream, "screw it!" I wanted to cuss like a sailor at anyone who would listen to me at how unfair it all was! As I closed my eyes and felt my breathing become steadier, I sensed the depth of my aloneness fading away. I looked up into the tree above me and could see the blue sky peek through the branches. I knew the sun was shining even though the shade of the tree was protecting me from the overwhelming warmth of it. Protecting me. Protection. I was being protected. I AM PROTECTED...in the deep waters...when I am at the end of me...in the overwhelmingness of life...I AM PROTECTED. He is ENOUGH.

I may want more...ache and yearn for it, but what I have, who I am, who He is...is enough. I ran the Half Marathon, 13.1 miles on 9/19/10. Five days later I ran 14 miles. This Friday I will run 15. He is ENOUGH!

Gotta Run!

Ever Onward

I woke up this morning a little sick of myself. I recognized that I was ready to leave my little cocoon, aka my couch. Little by little this past week my eyes began to recognize God moving me...I felt Him giving me a fresh equipping of His strength. I sensed that however necessary and needed my hibernation in sorrow was..it was now a wave that had washed over me. I got out of bed and walked into the living room and reached for the t.v. remote saying aloud to the empty room, "Lord, I want to start my day listening to praise music, I want to lift my voice to you, I choose you!" I found the christian music station I love, turned it on and turned the volume high. As I was reaching for the broom to sweep, my breath caught in my throat as Steven Curtis Chapman's voice filled my house as he sang, "Tomorrow morning if you wake me up and the sun does not appear..I will be here." A song that has been a thread in Skip's in my life since I was 17yrs. I gripped my broom and dropped into the nearest chair as tears fell down my face as the sobbing rocked me. The words just kept coming, "You can cry on my shoulder when the mirror tells us we're older, I will hold you, and I will be here, to watch you grow in beauty, and tell you all the things you are to me...." I cried without holding back, seeing Skip's face as we danced to this song, as we sang this song in the car, as we played it every year on our anniversary... When the song ended I felt Katie's arms around me as she shared the chair with me, whispering to me to "just cry". The next song was a song Katie used in her video slide show she made of her Dad. Ugh! Tears now on both of our faces, she asks, "Do you want me to turn it off?" I shook my head and held her hand as the song played, "Turn up the music, turn it up loud, take a few chances, let it all out. You won't regret it, looking back where you have been....cause it's not who you knew, it's not what you did.....it's how you live"..

Right then I bowed my head, squeezed my eyes shut, held Katie's hand and prayed aloud. "Lord, be big now, I trust you. It's too much and I don't know what to do...keep crying or wipe my tears and stuff it all down...You HAVE to move me. You are our strength and we need YOU! Let me be the mom to Katie that she needs, heal us, please meet us here".

The song ended. Katie and I wiped our tears, our runny noses...and hugged. Big breath. I took my broom and swept. I can't tell you what that was all about other than it was our morning. Our mourning.

I ran/walked 11 miles yesterday. Alone. It took alot for me to push myself out the door but I did it! I wanted to quit at about 8 miles. I actually dropped down in the shade for about a minute and then I told myself, "Get up and finish!" With every step I kept saying out loud, "push it, push it, puuussshh itt!!!!!" I managed to finish and rewarded myself with a cold chilly shower at the beach park where I ran. You may be asking why I didn't just jump into the ocean....honestly..I would've drowned! I was toooo tired to even think about swimming!

There is definitely something to be said for pushing through the ache, the exhaustion, the complete and utter depletion....and coming out on the other side. Driving home, sucking down water, I felt amazing! I texted Katie and that was actually her reply....."Mom, you are amazing!"

Even now as I sit stiff and in pain, 2 aspirin later....I feel amazing..and amazed by Him!

Gotta Run!

60mph to zero......

The lateness in this update reflects exactly how I feel.......it's as if my internal engine has gone from 60mph to zero. This past week has been the first week that Katie and I have been home alone all summer. It's good to be home, and alone. I doubt I would be experiencing all that I am feeling if I was entertaining guests, or traveling and away from home. Or I should say, succumbing, allowing and accepting the feelings as they engulf me.

For 5 days I have driven Katie to school...picked her up at the end of her day...came home and was in bed by 8pm. What have I done in the between times? Pretty much nothing. Nothing. No exaggeration.

I have watched countless movies on Lifetime. Nestled on my couch. Cried while driving, during my movie marathons, in the shower...

The utter shutting down leaves me feeling powerless to stop it. I THINK of things I should be doing...but don't. Yesterday I knew I had to pay my electric, cable and phone bills, stop at the bank and run to the post office. Holing up in my home all week, I knew these errands HAD to get done. So, what did I do? I waited until the very last moment I could....then picked up Katie from school, and while she drove home, we stopped at every place I needed to so she could walk in and make the payments and mail the box. Katie thought it was cool that she could help me out...I just thought it was pathetic.

I didn't wake up on Monday thinking, "OK, now I'm gonna just chill out". No. I just seem to have a homing device that brings me back to my bed....my couch...my lanai. God IS God. HE is in control. HE is faithful and will never forsake me or leave me. I know this. At this time, this knowledge does not move me off my couch.

While Katie was trying out for a school drama production Wednesday night, I went running. I set a goal of 5 miles and plugged into my Ipod. I did it. I also came home and crawled into bed without showering or changing out of my running clothes.

A season. A dry spell. A breather, down time, checking out. Mourning.

Uncharted waters, navigating through as if my boat is just drifting. Why do I feel I need to ask for permission to feel this way? It's a constant war in my head as I try to be real, be myself, just be.

After writing all the above, I feel compelled to write the following.

Yes, I recognize I'm wallowing in a pit. I won't stay there. It's not home. I do see beyond today. I will lace up my shoes and do my 6 miles....who cares if the whole time I'm running my couch is beckoning me.

Gotta Run!

Breathing

The summer has come to an end...almost. Our travels to California, Arizona and North Carolina are behind us, yet each place left it's imprint on our hearts.

Arriving home we had 8 BEAUTIFUL house guests staying with us, the first beat us home and the last left on Monday. Our door continues to be a revolving one as we have 4 more precious guests coming to visit us on Thursday. During the in between time of company, Katie and I have jumped off the freeway of life and have simply enjoyed...breathing! Our time together is precious to us and to just sit and snuggle and watch a movie, take a nap or hang out at the beach seems the perfect way to spend our last days of summer together.

My long weekend in North Carolina at the She Speaks conference was amazing. To arrive and immediately be surrounded by women who are answering the call they feel the Lord has put on their hearts to write, speak or both...was incredible, intimidating and honestly, completely overwhelming! Sitting and listening to the inner workings of preparing a book proposal and "pitching it"...hearing from Agent's on what they look for before taking you as a client, their expectations on how YOU as the writer will market your own book. Sitting with women at lunch as they passed out their business cards which included their contact information, addresses to their blogs, websites and "blog books", etc. I felt like the kid on the outside looking into a world I didn't even know existed! Yet here I was getting a front row seat because the Lord planned it that way! I shared my writings with published authors and received their critiques, listened to their stories of how their books got published...and I prayed every minute, asking the Lord, "please show me why I'm here and what this all means to me".

By settling into my seat as I boarded the plane back to Maui, my Father whispered sweet words that touched my soul. He said, "your obedience IS your calling, I will use it for my glory". His equipping is truly for each moment, and in those moments He wants to reveal Himself in us, and He desires for us to follow Him...sometimes straight into the unknown! I met women who KNEW they were created to write. I met women who have been Speaking for several years and although I felt completely out of my comfort zone, I took enough notes to fill my entire notebook and I hung onto each pearl of wisdom shared by the Speakers, authors, agents and publishers. I knew all that I was learning would equip me for whatever the Lord wanted for me.

I returned home with a renewed desire to write more, to read my journals and notes I have written this past year and focus on what is inside of me that could come out in the form of an article, a short story....a book, or just a heartfelt letter to friends like you!

Being Katie's mom, helping her prepare for her Jr. year, getting her driver's license, walking together as we heal, this I know is my purpose....and I treasure it.

Carol and I are working on a running schedule again and I am thankful for the ability to lace up my sneakers, plug into my ipod and run until she says stop!

Gotta Run!

13 months and 2 days..but who's counting???

This morning I woke up with a mental "To Do" list running thru my head..instead of going back to sleep, I rolled out of bed and wrote it all down while it was still fresh in my mind. Grocery shop, check to see if Katie's computer has been cleaned of the virus she received, clean house, laundry, pack.... The list is longer and seems to grow faster than I can check things off. I am packing for my trip to North Carolina tonight. I will be attending the "She Speaks" writer's and speaker's conference for christian women for the next 4 days. My emotions range from excitement to see what God has waiting for all of us when we get there and a sickening feeling that I am going to a place filled with people who are truly gifted in these areas and I will discover that I do not belong. I'm clinging to the hope that the last thought is Satan messing with my head!!

As I look out my windows onto my front porch and take in the beauty of the ocean and let the smell and sound of it wash over me.... I can hear the Lord whispering, "Be obedient, walk where I lead, I got the rest". Simple enough, right????

My thoughts rest on my morning devotional and the truth that was there waiting for me.

What is my vision of God’s purpose for me? Whatever it may be, His purpose is for me to depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay calm, faithful, and unconfused while in the middle of the turmoil of life, the goal of the purpose of God is being accomplished in me. God is not working toward a particular finish— His purpose is the process itself. What He desires for me is that I see “Him walking on the sea” with no shore, no success, nor goal in sight, but simply having the absolute certainty that everything is all right because I see “Him walking on the sea” ( Mark 6:49 ). It is the process, not the outcome, that is glorifying to God.

The bigger picture we think we are pressing towards is actually of little importance...the trust we place in Him during the process of getting wherever we think we are going IS HIS PURPOSE FOR US.

As I tackle my "To Do" list I will rest in this knowledge, I will prayerfully take it with me as I board my plane, and I will call on it as I sit amidst writer's and speaker's....and know my obedience to Him was my answer to His call.

13 months and 2 days since Skip went home to glory....

I miss him and think of him daily, he is apart of me that I am forever connected to and grateful for. My life is like nothing I expected....it reflects nothing of the goals we set and were pressing towards together... yet, I am convinced without a shadow of a doubt that I am living my days with the Lord holding my hand and I feel His gentle tugging when I dig my heels in because I don't want to take another step...I even say out loud, "No Lord, not one more step, not one more day, not one more hour...". He is beautifully patient!! He waits as I put my pitty party hat on, blow my pitty party horn, and light my pitty party candle. He sends me His words and reminds me that the goal is not getting wherever I think I am going...but the faith I live out during the journey. In that truth.... I take a deep breath and take another step...and yet another.

Gotta Run!

Trusting

Time has seemed to fly by while being on vacation in California. Katie and I have been able to spend time with Skip's family and we have treasured every minute. The rich conversations I have had with Skip's parents have shown me that the Lord has plans even when we feel we are depleted and unusable. Since arriving in California I have been coughing alot, a cough similar to the one I had when being re-diagnosed with Breast Cancer. My cough seemed to get progressively worse and I actually had to go to the ER and be treated. I am now taking steroids, anti-biotics and an inhaler.... I also injured my left foot while running and had to get a cortisone shot in my ankle and keep off it for 2 weeks. None of this was a part of "my plan".....yet, somehow the Lord has used it for His will, and allowed me to sit and be still and truly have quality time with Betty and Sam, Skip's parents. We have cried, laughed, questioned circumstances....and prayed together. This is where I see the hand of God. Praying with Skip's parents is our Father's will.....it is in these prayers that they and I find healing, comfort, peace and truly strength to lay all things before Him.

Sam and Betty are beautiful people who are hurting....they have lost both their sons in the last 6yrs. Sam is angry with God and has many questions....Betty aches and her heart is shattered..yet she is eager to pray and ask the Lord for His strength. They have been married for nearly 50yrs. Being with them and spending time with them is the very best...and yet it is also extremely hard...a double-edged sword. I look at them, watch them hold hands in the car...snuggle on the couch...remind each other to take his or her medicine...and I feel my eyes fill with tears, as I long for what they have. In the midst of aching for what I miss, I trust the Lord and I know He walks me thru each day and moment. My life is His.. the cost, for all of us, has been counted by Him, His provisions for us are the equipping we need to breathe deep, wipe away the tears, and fall to our knees as He shows us His beauty in the ashes.


My training has suffered...my prayer is that this week ahead will allow me to press into running again. My cough is improving and diminishing, all good signs and reasons to lace up my tennies!!

Gotta Run!

June 26, 2009

Today marks one year since my husband Skip was welcomed into the gates of heaven. The only way I can truly understand that a year has passed is by breaking down each month that has passed and remembering all that has happened. In my heart...it feels as if only moments have gone by since I looked into his handsome face and saw the twinkle in his gorgeous dreamy eyes, or returned his crooked smile.

As Katie and I have been spending precious time with Skip's family in California, gathering together for this marking of time, we all have been lavishing each other with love, comfort and prayers. Today however....Katie and I will take time for the two of us. We will spend today driving up the Pacific Coast Highway and being near the ocean that Skip surfed in as a young boy. The ocean has so many soothing and comforting effects. Not only does it represent Skip's passion of surfing, but it forever reminds us how BIG our God is! His plans included this day one year ago....a day that Skip was enjoying God's creation and the awesome waves he loved to surf. The Lord's plans also include our today....and I am trusting as He reveals to us how this day will unfold...we will see Him in His vast creation of blue surf, white wash, and golden sand. I can't help but think of the verse Psalm 139:17-18a, "How precious are your thoughts for me oh God, if I should count them, they would outnumber the sand!" This verse comforts me today.....giving me fresh hope and a reminder of how our Father loves us so! His best can take our breath away, confuse us, anger us, break us....but when we see thru His eyes, His best is better than life!

I have been writing this past year and truly feel it is His call for me, His way of allowing me to be obedient and share Him with others...I am following Him with a passion He kindles in me. If you think of me today, if thoughts of precious Katie come to your mind....please pray that as we follow Him and serve Him, that He will be all you see when you look at us....pray that He is bigger in us than ourselves.

Skip is where we all yearn to be....he is surfing in perfect waves that are never ending...he is worshiping at the right hand of our Father....Skip....is home.

My dearest Skip, thank you for teaching me so much in 23yrs. All that you taught me ables me to stand today without you by my side. You will forever be in my heart and my life is better, fuller, richer for loving you...and being lavished in your love!

Katie and I will drive down PCH today and marvel at the beauty of the ocean that holds so many memories....memories of yesterday....and amazing ones to come!

"Lord I'm amazed by You..and how you love me".

Gotta Run!

Camp Wildwood

Hi Friends,
Katie and I are enjoying California and spending time with family and friends. The summer seems to have taken on a life of it's own, but I know it will be filled with love, laughter and treasured memories.

Katie is at camp this week. A camp that I went to when I was her age....or so I thought! Hume Lake is a camp area that holds precious memories for me as a kid. Memories of a beautiful lake, fun in the sun, swimming, beach volleyball, hiking, wonderful christian music and amazing and gifted speakers that touched all of our hearts. The total "mountain top" experience! I wanted Katie to have her own beautiful experience so I registered her for camp...while doing so I noticed that there was a Discipleship Camp for high schoolers that sounded awesome. It talked of getting deep into God's word and spending quality time with the Lord in a majestic setting. Perfect! Right?!.....

My in-laws and I drove Katie and her girlfriend Samantha to camp on Sunday morning, all of us excited for the week ahead for both the girls. I told both girls about my memories and funny stories of camp and the fun I had, sharing with them that they too would make wonderful memories to last a lifetime! As we drove up the mountain I noticed halfway up that Katie was silently crying as she sat next to me. I was surprised and asked her what was wrong....only to have her paint a fake smile on her face and say, "nothing, I'm ok". I hugged her and kissed her and snuggled her, all the while whispering in her ear, "please tell me what's wrong"...only to have her give me that fake smile again and shake her head. FINALLY, I asked her again and she whispered in my ear, "I miss you already. I haven't been away from you since Daddy went to heaven..." I hugged her closer and told her I would miss her too, but the week would be magical and when it was over she would have amazing stories to tell me. We arrived at Hume Lake and it was like the clock turned back 25yrs! I was pointing things out to the girls and telling them things like, "that's where we swam, you'll love it!"....."there's the snack shack, you can get hamburgers and hot dogs and watch the beach volleyball games"....."Oh! there's the General Store...that's where I bought my first "womanly products" and proudly carried my "woman items" up the hill for all to see!" They giggled with me and there eyes were big and excited as they saw all the kids everywhere and the beautiful surroundings.

We drove up to the gate and asked the young security assistant where Camp Wildwood was. (My mother in law was nudging the girls because the security assistant was a handsome teenage boy!) The girls were giggling and taking it all in. When we got directions to Wildwood we drove up the mountain...and kept driving....and kept driving...it seemed as if we were getting farther and farther away from people...cabins... and, gulp...fun. After making 2 trips up and down the hill with no luck finding our destination, we found a man near another campsite and told him we were lost. He said we weren't far and also added, "Usually the kids get dropped off at the bottom of the hill and hike up".....I laughed and said something like, "yeah, right..you're funny". Only...he wasn't laughing. "I'm serious, the kids usually hike up to Wildwood". Hmm. I tell him, "I'm not letting them hike anywhere that I haven't seen, so we will be driving them up to camp". He led us up the hill and guided us into a rural dirt road and pointed from his car window for us to continue ahead. We drove up to a camp area that had a few tables, a large tent that seemed to be the main gathering area and some kids walking around. Once we parked, I got out and was greeted by a young man who introduced himself as one of the counselors. The girls got out of the truck and we made introductions. We started taking out their gear...sleeping bags, suitcases, and a bag of all kinds of snacks we had loaded up for the girls. The young man said, "Oh, sorry, they can't have food in their tent...because it'll attract the bears". Hhmm..., "What? Are you kidding?" I say with a smile and a brave face directed at both the girls. "No, I'm serious, but we can keep the food in our kitchen area if you like". Katie steps towards me and takes the snack bag from my hands and puts it back in the truck, "that's okay mom, just take it home". It would have been fine, had I not seen that her eyes were once again filling with tears that were threatening to fall. What the heck have I done??!!! This WAS NOT my camp experience! "They don't sleep in cabins?" I ask. A young girl steps forward and points out the girls tent, which is a big tent for about 30 or so kids, and then points in the opposite direction towards the boys tent. Some kids step out of the big main tent about now and the girls wave to some friends as they recognize them from home. Kids come toward us and hug the girls and help them with their things. I'm relieved that the girls know some of the campers! I hug them both before leaving and I pray. I pray for safety, fun, sweet fellowship and God's love to be wrapped around them always. I kiss them both as they walk away with the other kids. I have to go back down the hill and register them. The minute I get back into the truck, big tears fall down my face and I am crying openly and asking my in-laws, "What did I just do?! These girls aren't juvenile delinquents, they are sweet kids starting a summer of fun!" When I reach the registration desk I ask one of the women if I could talk with her in private. I explain my camp memories and the year Katie has had, asking her if I have made some HUGE mistake. She smiles and assures me the girls will have a blast. She says the camp is smaller, more intimate and the kids really bond together during the week. She assures me that her daughter had attended the same camp before and truly was blessed... I proceed to ask another woman the same questions, only to get the same answers..the girls will have a great time.

I have been praying every hour on the hour since driving away from that camp. I KNOW the Lord has a beautiful plan for those girls....even if it is NOT what my plans were for them! He loves them more than I do, His plan for them included this week...just because it was surprising to me...doesn't mean it was to our Father. My trust in Him fills me as we drive back down the hill.

I am on a new schedule for running while I am in California, and Friday will be my first run day since arriving. I know that as my feet hit the pavement and I run the trail near the house.....my thoughts, prayers and heart will be filled with those girls! "Lord, I give them to You, they have always been Yours. If it is Your will......PLEASE, please, please....let it be an amazing, magical time for all the campers in Camp Wildwood!!!"

Once again, nothing seems to go as I envisioned...this year has been filled with lessons learned, mountains to climb, hurdles to jump......and now, a camp experience that left me feeling like I drove the girls thru Disneyland without stopping...only to drop them off in Alcatraz!! I can't wait to hear about!

Gotta Run!

Summer

We are on the verge of traveling to California for the summer. We have a summer full of exciting plans, time with friends and family, and also some rich individual time with the Lord. Katie will actually be attending a youth Christian camp that I attended when I was her age. To imagine her there, being where I was at her age and making her own special memories at such a special place...seems like watching something come full circle. A circle that was and is being drawn by our Heavenly Father. The glimpses He gives us of His master plan is both humbling and breathtaking.

My running has continued to improve, and I am so excited to report that on Friday, our long run day, I actually RAN over 5 and a half miles!!! That is to date my longest run without stopping!! It felt amazing!

While we are on vacation, my constant prayer will be that I discipline myself to continue to run daily...even without Carol by my side! This is a huge weakness of mine, so your prayers added to mine would be much appreciated! I am going to look into seeing if there are any 5k's or 10k's in the area we will be staying in just so I can keep my focus on training.

Although my life looks nothing like it did less than a year ago....I am continually learning that our Lord knew long ago what I am only discovering daily.....His purpose will be fulfilled and His plans for all of us will be revealed in His timing.

As I get ready to call it a day, and settle in for the night....I can't help but to stop....be still....close my eyes...and say, "Lord, thank you for loving me, being bigger than what appears overwhelming...and for knowing how the journey will end, before it ever began...that knowledge is my strength, thank you..thank you...thank you!"

Gotta Run!

God is ALWAYS active!!!

Since my last blog entry, a few things have been going on! Amidst house guests, making travel plans, the continual hand holding thru puberty....stuff has been happening!

First, I am blessed and excited to share that I have passed the 3 mile running mark!! I am jazzed to say that I can now run 3+ miles without stopping! Such a praise! Carol and I ran a 5k without stopping and it was thrilling and mind blowing a the same time. I knew I WANTED to run it, I knew it was the goal...but I was doubtful about completing the race, running from beginning to end. As we ran and kept a pace that was steady, I worked on my breathing and tried to keep it steady as we covered our first mile, then our 2nd. As we rounded to the Finish Line I was exhilarated as we pushed ourselves to sprint the last few yards to finish strong! It was such a great feeling of accomplishment! Carol was proud of me! My trainer, my slave driver, the voice in my head who pushes me....was proud of me!! Amen!! :)

I also entered a writing contest that a dear friend told me about. This contest was for a scholarship to a Women's conference for women who feel called to write and speak for God's glory. I entered and was so blessed and humbled to be notified that I won!! I will be attending this conference at the end of July and am excited to learn more about how to put feet to my faith regarding answering God's call on my heart to write and speak.

I spent this past weekend at our Women's Retreat here on Maui and came home spiritually blessed! I was honored to speak on Friday night about a beautiful woman of faith in the Bible, Esther. To share what the Lord laid on my heart about such an inspiring woman and her faith was a gift. To remind women, and be reminded myself, that the Lord has called us to stand, regardless of the circumstances and outcome....allowed me to glimpse once again, of the beauty of the Lord's tapestry for us all that He weaves, even while we sleep!

Before the retreat, Carol picked me up and we ran our long beach run. She pushed me farther than ever and I was almost moved to tears of joy when she shared that I ran about 3.4 miles!! We did 6.5 in total, but I ran 3.4!! Thank you Carol!!!!!

Knowing Katie was waiting for me when I returned home from the retreat, knowing she would welcome me with hugs and kisses filled my heart. Snuggling her on the couch and eating popcorn was the perfect ending to a wonderful weekend!

Gotta Run!

Romans 15:13

"May the God of your hope so fill you with all joy and peace in believing [through the experience of your faith] that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound and be overflowing (bubbling over) with hope". Romans 15: 13



Have you ever hesitated jumping head first into joy?

It's the craziest thing, but that is what I feel I am doing..hesitating. I am God's kid, His creation to mold, bend, grow and stretch as He sees fit. Yet we all can recognize the difference when we are walking in obedience without deep emotions pressing us on, simply saying "yes, Lord", "I trust You, even when I don't understand". Then there is the "thrill" of obedience that we get caught up in... because it is just that heady! We climb higher and higher up the high dive that He leads us on, with that tightening in our stomach that doesn't quite have the ability to talk us down....but gets us just enough twisted inside that we let out some nervous laughter, as we keep reaching for the next rung, keep lifting one foot after the other onto the next step leading us higher, knowing the only way down is to take that dive, and leap off the platform, feeling that...joyful, reckless abandon!

I am following the Lord, obediently yielding to Him as I run mile after mile. More often than not, it is the obedience of simply saying, "yes"..(more like, "ugh!!!! aaalllrrriigghhtt!"). Pushing beyond my own limits of comfort...believing that with each jump I take into progress, He meets me there and asks a little more of me. I'm starting..just a little..to sense a quiet joy building. Now, I definitely won't admit that before a run, and I would be breathlessly "joyful" when it's over.

I can proudly say that as of last week, I can now run 2 miles without stopping! I run 12 minute miles! This is heady stuff to me. I have LITERALLY miles to go....but I have come so far, He has taken me so far! I feel like a runner! Last Friday, on our long training day, I ran 8 miles total, but for the first time experienced running 2 miles without stopping for 2 minutes in between! {Yes, this is where you are impressed by me)!

Still, after 4 months of training, I STILL try to think of excuses not to run..I STILL get butterflies in my stomach when we start to take off, and I STILL groan every time Carol tells me to "keep on going, don't stop"!...but I am slowly, oh so slowly!..getting used to pushing past MYSELF.

Beyond my marathon training, the Lord continues to open doors for me, revealing and confirming His plans for me daily.

I have been asked to speak at our Calvary Chapel South Maui's Women's Retreat in May. What a true honor to share God's word with women and walk with them as He allows His message to come out of me! I have also been asked to be a guest speaker in June at Cornerstone Christian Church's Women's Summer Session in Wildomar, California. Both studies, each different, are opportunities I did not seek out...they were presented to me to pray about, which I have and continue to do so as I move forward in obedience to Him. I believe this is an area in which the Lord is calling me to pursue. For now, I feel strongly that He is prompting me to continue writing...and wait for His direction. Once again, trusting He will guide and lead.

It's the high dive all over again. It's the hesitation of embracing joy...almost as if I have gotten comfortable with seeking to be obedient without emotion. Waking up every morning and asking Him to move my feet without a strong emotional pull one way or the other. Knowing the act of obedience will lead me closer to Him and His will. That truth has been and continues to be sufficient. Yet...He's starting to tell me that joy... is coming. It's a part of His plan...and I am hesitant to receive it, to feel it, and honestly...to desire it.

"Lord, be enough. Fill me to overflowing, let me not fear your gift of joy. Let me relax in smiling, not wonder if I should. Let me bathe in "belly-aching, head thrown back, water out my nose, gotta pee" laughter, without questioning it. Let me embrace the unexpected giggles that erupt from being...joyful.

And as I take that dive, head first...let me close my eyes as a smile forms on my lips...and thank you for it!!

Gotta Run!

Proverbs 3:5-6

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."
Proverbs 3:5-6

It's crazy to me that I pondered on this verse before posting it. In my mind, I wanted to find a verse that would speak to your heart and mine....a verse that would inspire us to press on, words that would strengthen our resolve to once again cast our burdens onto our Father...in faith. I have read this verse many times thru out the years, committed it to memory in Sunday school as a young girl....why did I pass it by, thinking I could find "something better"? At this time in my life, this verse breaks down all the words that could fill my mind, my mouth...to simply...trust in the Lord. Maybe the fact that this verse is soo familiar, is the exact reason why it is speaking volumes to my heart today. :)

I am happy to report that I have reached a point in my training that is amazing to me. I can run a 12 minute mile without stopping to pass out! I can run a mile, walk for 3 minutes and do it again! And again!! :) Praise God! I know....I still have lots of work to do, and I am a total beginner...but, I am so excited at this achievement! Since last Friday, I have been running about 2-3 miles a day, with those walking stretches in between. This Friday, Carol will push me a little farther, and although it scares the crud out of me....I know I will do it, and live another day. :)

Simply put....it's the living that is a little rough for me right now. Your love and prayers take me a long way...and I am forever blessed by the support and encouragement lavished on me.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."
Proverbs 3:5-6

Yes, I desperately want to understand, get a grip on the reality that is mine...yet desiring that understanding is what is tripping me up! In all situations, circumstances, challenges...I MUST trust in the Lord with my whole heart. Saying I do....and actually daily living it....now, that is the journey for us all! :)

Today, because my paths are so crazily crooked...uncertain...messy and disheveled...I am CHOOSING to trust Him, knowing with everything that I am....He WILL make my paths straight!! Ugh.....the journey truly is moment to moment.

Gotta Run!

Menopause or Ugly flesh?

Menopause? Hormones? or just plain ugly flesh??

I sit here stewing in my own ugliness…..the kind that a shower does not wash away. Have you ever experienced that kind of ugliness? Maybe I’m the only one…..so let me break it down for you. This ugliness can be lethal to those in close proximity of me without a word leaving my mouth. It can seep out of my eyes as I stare you down because I am irritated that I had to wait a WHOLE 10 minutes for Katie to get in the car when I went to pick her up after school. It can make you tremble in fear as I choose to give out the silent treatment to anyone who asks me, “You ok?”… and let’s not forget the finale of nonsensical sentences I spew out with an angry tone because I am frustrated when I attempt to carry 6 bags of groceries into the house at one time, only to lose my grip on the case of soda just when I am almost up the stairs….and as it slips out of my hands, I look around to see who I can blame!!! Yeah…it’s that kind of ugly! Today’s innocent victim was my 15yr old daughter Katie who was the closest to me as my venom was unleashed. She was staring at me, waiting for my head to start spinning around while still connected to my neck, as green pea soup erupts out of my mouth! It’s this ugly moment that has me sitting on my bed, disgusted with myself. I take a deep steadying breath and walk back out into the living room, where Katie is desperately trying to “do something without me having to ask you to do it!”…..she looks at me with eyes that say she is bracing herself for the next assault…ouch. I go to her, hug her and tell her I am wrong, so wrong, and ask her for her forgiveness. I tell her, “I don’t know what is wrong with me Katie, today feels like an outfit that is too tight, out of style and the waistband is cutting off my circulation”. We continue hugging and she graciously accepts my apology, while I kiss her all over her face to assure her that “Mommy Dearest” has left the building!! It doesn’t matter that I accidentally sent Katie’s school tuition check to my CPA for my taxes, and sent my State and Federal Tax checks to the private college prep school Katie just got accepted into….. Nor does it matter that I woke up and spent glorious time with the Lord this morning reading my devotional and praying…….my behavior…MY BEHAVIOR...<<>>, is my choice. People, I don’t know if it is menopause, response to my medicine that apparently has lots of side effects, lack of sleep, stress overload….fill in the blanks….or just plain ugly flesh.. it boils down to the simple fact that I chose to be ugly and unleash it on the innocent.
It is sooo easy to go down the road of justification…..or take a stroll onto “I have a RIGHT to behave badly” boardwalk….and snuggle into the coziness of “cause life is hard” comfy couch. Again, the choice is mine…..”Lord, please strengthen my resolve to serve You and not myself, no matter what happens or doesn’t in each day You give me”. “Oh, and Lord, if You feel I need to buy a “mood” headband or visor to warn others, please lay that on my heart!” 

I continue to wake up and run/walk with Carol…..I am running about 4 miles a day, and then have a long running day of about 6 to 7 miles on Fridays. We are making strides and I do feel and see the increase in my endurance, it is amazing to me that I can now run 6 to 7 minutes straight, then walk for 2 minutes, then repeat. We are shooting for me to run a mile straight without walking….and prayerfully I will do that before the month is over. 

So, if there was anything to be gained from my ugliness, I think this sums it up best: “Take a deep breath, count to ten, don’t let anything come out of your mouth that you’ll be embarrassed to pen! Live always in His strength and in His peace, never forgetting that we have a sweet fragrance….or stinky odor…. that we can choose to release!"

Gotta Run!

The juggler

It has been a constant amazement to me to witness how our Lord seems to continually stretch us and make us go way beyond what we think is our breaking points. If it were up to me, I would stop running before I broke into a sweat with the sensation of needles parading up and down my arms and my legs...but it's not up to me, and I go beyond that point and somehow find myself on the other end, relieved and proud of what I accomplished. In life, if it were up to me, I would choose to have sweet days filled with wonderful memories and surround myself with friends and family that I cherish and spend my time relishing my good fortune....but again, it's not up to me. I would also, keep my 15yr daughter my "baby girl" forever...with no growing up that includes boys, puberty, boys, adolescence, boys, and the ever ongoing stretching and fighting for independence....and boys. However, it is not up to me.

This stretching has not been easy or welcomed, or for that matter, invited into my life. It is here...and there is no going around it, under it, hiding from it. Last week I wanted to escape it with all that was within me...and now, today, I am glimpsing our Lord lovingly walking beside me...shielding me from so much more that He is protecting me from. His allowance for me to be touched by the numerous balls that He continues to throw at me and have me juggle, is truly His equipping in me. I did not come to that realization easily or on my own. It was a part of the journey He took me on this week, that led me down this path that had me gasping for breath, panting for peace, and longing to have it all STOP...only to finally get to the end of myself and my solutions, and come face to face with His authority over me and my family.

The balls are still being tossed my way...yet I now choose to throw them high to the heavens with reckless abandon, and shut my eyes....and reach my arms and hands out, knowing, trusting, that He will have me catch all the balls that He chooses for me to handle, to grow with, to balance, to juggle....the other balls, I won't even know I dropped them, because my eyes will be looking up at Him! A week ago, I couldn't have fathomed sitting here now with a peace that is both comforting and profound...it's His peace that was always mine...I just needed to be reminded that He was the juggler the whole time!

I ran today and it felt good. I am finding a small rhythm that comforts me. It is a physical exhaustion that actually helps me with clarity in my thought and prayer life. The pounding of my heart and the rhythm of my feet as I press on...are comforting...thank you Lord, for not letting me choose my own journey....I would have never known the sweetness of the pain I am now enduring.... who knew?!

Gotta Run!

"Carol, Your'e Pretty!"......

It's Monday and I have not went for a walk/jog since Thursday...Carol is on vacation and she is gonna kill me when she gets back! :) I wake up every morning with the bestest of intentions...I tell myself I am going to get up and get out the door, just like I do when Carol is with me.....but something...seems to always delay me!! Then, I eat....and well, we know I HAVE to wait at LEAST an hour before I run after I eat..because it could come up...remember? I have experienced it! So,...while I'm waiting for my food to digest, I check Face book...read emails..reply to emails...unload the dishwasher..then load it again..then I start to do laundry and I put a load in. I tell myself, NOW is a GREAT time to get my running shoes on and head out the door! Then, I make a "quick", super really QUICK phone call, and..check my voice mails, then I HAVE TO return those calls....and before I know it.. I now ONLY have 45 minutes before I gotta pick up Katie!! Well, I CAN'T go running now! I gotta GET ready to GET Katie. I tell myself that when I come home from getting Katie I can go for a run! PERFECT!! Then, Katie is wanting to PRACTICE her DRIVING, so.. she drives, and I sit on the edge of my seat.. PRAYING that she will LISTEN to my CALM INSTRUCTIONS that will ASSIST her in her driving skills. We now are BOTH in DESPERATE need of ice cream.....so we stop for ice cream. By the time we get home..I GOTTA start dinner, and Kuuipo needs to be fed...and the fish...they too need to be fed! So, we eat dinner, Kuuupo is fed, the fish are fed...but NOW..I'm FULL! WOW!! Where did the day go??!!!! I know....TOMORROW!!...I will run TOMORROW!!! I will wake up early......

Gotta Run!!

ps...I hope Carol isn't reading this...and if you are...."Carol, I LOVE YOU...you're pretty!"...

Bagels...

Fridays are my long run days.....Carol and I usually lengthen our runs to about 6 miles or a little longer, and she pushes me to run longer between spurts of walking. In short.....Fridays suck! We headed down to the beach and began our jog amidst tourists out for a stroll...kids playing in the sand, couples in lounge chairs...and, actual REAL runners. :) As I am huffing and puffing past all the scenery I start to feel the bagel I had for breakfast start to work its way up my stomach and kinda lodge itself in my chest. I tell Carol about this new development, and she yells back that I gotta keep running, "push yourself Kimmy, run thru the pain". I continue to press on as we are making the turn to head back to the beginning, knowing in my head we still have another 3 miles or so to cover. I drink water during the walking intervals and I am trying to push the water down hard to see if that will help the bagel work its way back down... We are now 2 miles from finishing and I tell Carol that the bagel is gonna come up. She leads me to a porta potty and asks if I want to go in and throw up. The thought alone makes me want to throw up! I kinda walk into some near by bushes and assume the position...yeah, I know...I was as disgusted as you are! Long story short...it worked itself out. :) As we go back down to the beach and after I rinse out my mouth, Carol says..."Ok, time to run, that was your break...let's go!" I want to strangle her, but my feet and legs follow her down the beach path and I am trying to get my breathing rhythm back. It takes me a few minutes but I finally am breathing in my usual pattern and we reach our starting point. We are rewarded with sunshine and a ride back home in my 10yr old convertible vw. Running passed the pain is a new experience for me. I feel like I can't take another step and that is when Carol says I must dig deeper and keep going, apparently that is the only way I will improve and cover more distance. I need to block out my own thoughts of giving up and MAKE my body keep going...

It is interesting how running seems to be similar to my journey in life at this time. I find myself "hitting a wall" on days where I am glued to a picture of Skip and I....going back in time to where we were and what we were doing at that moment...and all I want to do is jump into that picture and get lost in it and stay there.....and then I hear my Lord whispering in my ear, calling me back to my today, reassuring me that He is with me as I take another step forward... It is so tempting to ignore that still small voice and dig my heels in. He shows me that if I choose to be immovable, I will create a distance between Him and I...a distance that no matter how my heart hurts...I don't want. So, I look up and start to find my breathing rhythm once again....and simply move...forward. Thank you Lord for being so gentle, thank you for not letting me get lost.

Katie got her drivers permit last week..she was all smiles as she showed me her new picture ID...and yes, as we walked out to the car I wanted so badly to turn to Skip and say, "Dear, how did this happen?..Just yesterday she was playing tea party with her dolls and puppy, asking us to sit at the table so she could pour us a cup of tea." And as I was digesting this wonderful moment for Katie, I was yet again facing my reality without Skip.....I was experiencing that "bagel in my throat feeling" all over again...and I watched as my feet and legs moved me...walked me...FORWARD.

"We cannot kindle when we will The fire which in the heart resides, The spirit bloweth and is still, In mystery our soul abides; But tasks in hours of insight willed Can be through hours of gloom fulfilled." - Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest.


Gotta Run!

Pressing on with His purpose.....

I have done something every day for the past 8 months and 16 days....When I wake and my eyes open, when I realize that I have been given another day...I close them again. I close them and speak to the Lord, these words.. "You have given me another day, please let it be lived for You..let me be about Your purpose, let me live it for you, and when You will...take me home".

I say this not to be morbid, not even to evoke sympathy...it is said with a heart that truly doesn't want to waste a moment, I truly desire to live out the purpose He has chosen for me. Running, training...I know may seem silly, but to me, it is clearly a part of my purpose for this season. Another purpose that has become clear that the Lord has revealed for me is sharing my heart with others..whether by blogging, writing, or speaking...it is a part of my purpose and I want to be about it in any way He leads. This wednesday I will be speaking to the college girls at the Bible College at Calvary Chapel Kihei. I pray His words will come out of me and what He has put on my heart to share with them will point them to Him. My love for the Lord and the life experiences He walks me thru will be what I share...I pray wednesday will glorify Him and touch young hearts.

This past saturday I walked/jogged a 5k with my daughter Katie and my cousin Cambria. The plan was to do a 10k....but as we pressed into the run it became obvious that Katie was getting winded and her endurance was not quite ready to do the 10k. I told her we would finish the 5k together and call it good. She said she felt bad for holding me back and wanted me to go on without her...with so much love in my heart for her attempt, that was not gonna happen! We finished together and it was a moment I will cherish. Katie said my improvement amazed her and she was very proud of me....what a gift! The sweetness of her words renewed my drive to press on and continue on living out His purpose. It's amazing how sincere praise, unexpected encouragement, words of love....spur us on!

This morning when I woke up and closed my eyes to say my morning prayer, asking the Lord to let me live His purpose, I thought of Katie and included...."Lord, let me shower Your love on those You have given me today, let my daughter see You in me...and when You will...take us home".

Gotta Run!

Singing in the rain......NOT!!!

Katie and I are settling into our home, taking things slowly and enjoying our view. We are so grateful for our time together, spending our evenings snuggled in and our weekends enjoying a matinee or lunch together somewhere. I am blessed by our friendship and continue to pray that as we walk our journey together, the Lord strengthens our bond as mother and daughter. I am looking forward to her upcoming spring break so we can go to the beach or take a drive around the island. These moments are treasures to both of us and I am truly thankful for them. Thank you Lord, Your healing touch is felt by both of us.

There is a 10k this Saturday that Carol and I will be walking/jogging with my cousins Greg and Cam, even Katie said she would do it with us. Carol and her husband Mark may run it and meet us at the Finish. I keep telling myself that I will get better with running, but boy, it kicks my butt!!! :)

Carol and I went jogging today and I am only able to run a few minutes at a time, and then I walk for a few minutes and run again. How humbled I am when I am faced with my inability to run at this point! Carol assures me I will get better and to not let myself get discouraged, but today was challenging! Once again we were in the rain and I apparently made the mistake and ate a banana and orange about 20 minutes before we took off. As we ran, I thought I was gonna upchuck the nutritious breakfast right on the side of the road. As I pressed on, my breathing is labored and I am feeling a pain in my side and I am just trying to catch my breath for the next few seconds before Carol announces it's time to run again. As the rain keeps coming down and we are going uphill, and my banana is working it's way up my throat....I for the first time......truly, want to physically hurt Carol!!!! Ugh!!!! As I am panting and wiping the rain from my face, she is chatting about her weekend and the fact that I need to push thru the pain......seriously!? Now, as I begin to run again, I am wondering if I could projectile my breakfast on Carol who is running in front of me! :) I love her! I do!!! But at that moment, I was seriously close to using some cuss words I haven't used since the last time Skip and I had a knock out drag out!!! :)haha!! God Bless her, she pushes me when I feel like I can't take another step.....but everything inside of me won't let me quit, and I am truly blessed by her.....just not this morning! As we turn and head back towards home, she tells me that it would be a good idea if I start to lift weights with her 2 days a week to build my strength....she admits her timing sucks because I am rosy cheeked and completely too exhausted to think about adding more to my plate! As we walk to cool down and get closer to home, I notice my breathing returns to normal and it seems my breakfast has decided to stay down. I must recognize that I have recovered from the panting and pain I was experiencing just minutes before. Carol again reassures me that the good thing about running is that I will only get better with time.. I can welcome her encouragement now and smile and give her a big hug before we part ways. Although she has no idea how much I wanted to strangle her moments before.....I know she gets it, and she gets me, thank God! I was definitely NOT singing in the rain....but there's always tomorrow!

Gotta Run!

Just do it!

Katie and I flew to Colorado to celebrate my Sister-in-law and niece's weddings. One of them was celebrated on Skip's birthday. To feel so many emotions deeply as I watched and rejoiced as the precious couple shared their vows and began their married life together was overwhelming. I sat there and held my Father-in-laws hand as tears streamed down my face....tears of joy that mixed with tears of longing for what is not mine anymore. This beautiful man I watched grow from a young cocky 23yr old turned 46.......will forever be 45 to me. As I press into each day and strive to live that day to the fullest, I will always remember my best friend the way he last was....he will not age in my memory.....he will not have grey hair, just salt & pepper around the sides and behind his ears...He will forever be 45.

This weekend we had a Tsunami warning and we needed to evacuate from our home that sits less than 2 blocks from the ocean. As I gathered important papers, passports, medical kits....Katie gathered treasures that were of pictures of our family, of memories she wanted with her....we had no idea what to expect to come home to, we were basically working on auto pilot. When we were able to come home and be thankful that the Tsunami was a non-event for Hawaii, I took a moment as I was putting our things back. All that I chose to gather, were things that Skip would have gathered......things Katie chose, were things my heart would have led me to take as well. This man that will always be 45yrs old, continues to speak to me, guiding me, into this new life of responsibility and concern for our daughter. Not that I was not the person I am now...but who I was allowed to be and who I am called to be are very different indeed.

Lord, I am so thankful the Tsunami was a Shmunami......much ado about nothing....thank you. Just as you calmed the sea and chose to redirect the waves....I trust in you to calm my heart and still my tears.....when You choose. In the meantime, thank you for wiping my tears and catching me when I fall.

It seems that.. "when we NEED to do.....we do". When we have others in our lives to do....we let them. I am now, THE do-er, I am doing, I am getting things done. :)

This week Carol has decided to step up my training and focus on jogging....my weakness! I seem to have mastered the art of walking.....now to focus on jogging. Carol says "go"...and I go, and my heart beats fast, my breathing is labored and her stopwatch seems to have stopped working! 3 minutes, 5 minutes...have never gone by soooo slowly in my life! I am convinced she is lying when she says, "It's only been 2minutes.....keep going". Still...I do, I keep going. My body aches and I have sweat dripping from my eyebrows and I am aware that I am at the beginning of my journey, yet...I AM DOING IT!

Gotta Run!

Breathing

Since June 26, 2009, I have flown over 28 times. This count includes this past weekend when we went to Colorado for 2 weddings. The amount of traveling we have done astounds me, yet this last trip marked the last of our planned travels until summer. Not only did I fly over 28 times in the last almost 8 months...I flew over 28times without Skip. Katie or myself booked the flights, rented the cars and made the hotel reservations. Prior to June 26th, I had never done any of these things, they always fell under the category of "Skip's job". I'm not proud of this fact, it just was.

I now fly, pay bills, balance the checkbook and am currently gathering paperwork to file our taxes. I was blessed for 23yrs with someone who did these things and so much more for our family...and everyday I pray that I bring him honor as I learn to do them for myself. His example has left quite an impression on me, and I pray his and now my example will do the same for our daughter. "Lord, grow me, shape me, mold me into Your image daily".

There are things I would have done differently...said...had I known "that Friday" was the last we would have....that phone call when he called just before paddling out to say, "Babe, thank you for letting me come surf, I love you and can't wait to see you and Katie tomorrow....." So many things I wish I could tell him or say to him now....but I know in my heart, he sees us and is cheering us on from moment to moment. I cling to that thought.

I walked with Carol today, up that hill that kills me, but rewards me with an amazing view when we turn and come back down. As my body grew tired and I was breathing harder, my thoughts drifted to the past, my "old life"....where I couldn't recall doing anything regularly that caused me to be physically exhausted, or become breathless. Skip had always encouraged me to be more active...yet I was content with my routine and our family time. Every time I lace up my running shoes I smile inside as I picture him cheering me on, as I know he would have gotten a huge kick out of my running. :)

"Babe, it's definitely a different life that I am living....keep cheering me on. Imagining your arms outstretched to me at every Finish Line I cross gives me encouragement".

My breathing...in and out..as I exhaust myself, as I pay the bills and raise our daughter, echoes in my ears, and I push on, knowing at that moment when I feel like I can't take another step, wake up another morning without you...I will, because that's my journey. Breathing. Some days are just about.....breathing.

Gotta Run!