60mph to zero......

The lateness in this update reflects exactly how I feel.......it's as if my internal engine has gone from 60mph to zero. This past week has been the first week that Katie and I have been home alone all summer. It's good to be home, and alone. I doubt I would be experiencing all that I am feeling if I was entertaining guests, or traveling and away from home. Or I should say, succumbing, allowing and accepting the feelings as they engulf me.

For 5 days I have driven Katie to school...picked her up at the end of her day...came home and was in bed by 8pm. What have I done in the between times? Pretty much nothing. Nothing. No exaggeration.

I have watched countless movies on Lifetime. Nestled on my couch. Cried while driving, during my movie marathons, in the shower...

The utter shutting down leaves me feeling powerless to stop it. I THINK of things I should be doing...but don't. Yesterday I knew I had to pay my electric, cable and phone bills, stop at the bank and run to the post office. Holing up in my home all week, I knew these errands HAD to get done. So, what did I do? I waited until the very last moment I could....then picked up Katie from school, and while she drove home, we stopped at every place I needed to so she could walk in and make the payments and mail the box. Katie thought it was cool that she could help me out...I just thought it was pathetic.

I didn't wake up on Monday thinking, "OK, now I'm gonna just chill out". No. I just seem to have a homing device that brings me back to my bed....my couch...my lanai. God IS God. HE is in control. HE is faithful and will never forsake me or leave me. I know this. At this time, this knowledge does not move me off my couch.

While Katie was trying out for a school drama production Wednesday night, I went running. I set a goal of 5 miles and plugged into my Ipod. I did it. I also came home and crawled into bed without showering or changing out of my running clothes.

A season. A dry spell. A breather, down time, checking out. Mourning.

Uncharted waters, navigating through as if my boat is just drifting. Why do I feel I need to ask for permission to feel this way? It's a constant war in my head as I try to be real, be myself, just be.

After writing all the above, I feel compelled to write the following.

Yes, I recognize I'm wallowing in a pit. I won't stay there. It's not home. I do see beyond today. I will lace up my shoes and do my 6 miles....who cares if the whole time I'm running my couch is beckoning me.

Gotta Run!