Romans 15:13

"May the God of your hope so fill you with all joy and peace in believing [through the experience of your faith] that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound and be overflowing (bubbling over) with hope". Romans 15: 13



Have you ever hesitated jumping head first into joy?

It's the craziest thing, but that is what I feel I am doing..hesitating. I am God's kid, His creation to mold, bend, grow and stretch as He sees fit. Yet we all can recognize the difference when we are walking in obedience without deep emotions pressing us on, simply saying "yes, Lord", "I trust You, even when I don't understand". Then there is the "thrill" of obedience that we get caught up in... because it is just that heady! We climb higher and higher up the high dive that He leads us on, with that tightening in our stomach that doesn't quite have the ability to talk us down....but gets us just enough twisted inside that we let out some nervous laughter, as we keep reaching for the next rung, keep lifting one foot after the other onto the next step leading us higher, knowing the only way down is to take that dive, and leap off the platform, feeling that...joyful, reckless abandon!

I am following the Lord, obediently yielding to Him as I run mile after mile. More often than not, it is the obedience of simply saying, "yes"..(more like, "ugh!!!! aaalllrrriigghhtt!"). Pushing beyond my own limits of comfort...believing that with each jump I take into progress, He meets me there and asks a little more of me. I'm starting..just a little..to sense a quiet joy building. Now, I definitely won't admit that before a run, and I would be breathlessly "joyful" when it's over.

I can proudly say that as of last week, I can now run 2 miles without stopping! I run 12 minute miles! This is heady stuff to me. I have LITERALLY miles to go....but I have come so far, He has taken me so far! I feel like a runner! Last Friday, on our long training day, I ran 8 miles total, but for the first time experienced running 2 miles without stopping for 2 minutes in between! {Yes, this is where you are impressed by me)!

Still, after 4 months of training, I STILL try to think of excuses not to run..I STILL get butterflies in my stomach when we start to take off, and I STILL groan every time Carol tells me to "keep on going, don't stop"!...but I am slowly, oh so slowly!..getting used to pushing past MYSELF.

Beyond my marathon training, the Lord continues to open doors for me, revealing and confirming His plans for me daily.

I have been asked to speak at our Calvary Chapel South Maui's Women's Retreat in May. What a true honor to share God's word with women and walk with them as He allows His message to come out of me! I have also been asked to be a guest speaker in June at Cornerstone Christian Church's Women's Summer Session in Wildomar, California. Both studies, each different, are opportunities I did not seek out...they were presented to me to pray about, which I have and continue to do so as I move forward in obedience to Him. I believe this is an area in which the Lord is calling me to pursue. For now, I feel strongly that He is prompting me to continue writing...and wait for His direction. Once again, trusting He will guide and lead.

It's the high dive all over again. It's the hesitation of embracing joy...almost as if I have gotten comfortable with seeking to be obedient without emotion. Waking up every morning and asking Him to move my feet without a strong emotional pull one way or the other. Knowing the act of obedience will lead me closer to Him and His will. That truth has been and continues to be sufficient. Yet...He's starting to tell me that joy... is coming. It's a part of His plan...and I am hesitant to receive it, to feel it, and honestly...to desire it.

"Lord, be enough. Fill me to overflowing, let me not fear your gift of joy. Let me relax in smiling, not wonder if I should. Let me bathe in "belly-aching, head thrown back, water out my nose, gotta pee" laughter, without questioning it. Let me embrace the unexpected giggles that erupt from being...joyful.

And as I take that dive, head first...let me close my eyes as a smile forms on my lips...and thank you for it!!

Gotta Run!

Proverbs 3:5-6

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."
Proverbs 3:5-6

It's crazy to me that I pondered on this verse before posting it. In my mind, I wanted to find a verse that would speak to your heart and mine....a verse that would inspire us to press on, words that would strengthen our resolve to once again cast our burdens onto our Father...in faith. I have read this verse many times thru out the years, committed it to memory in Sunday school as a young girl....why did I pass it by, thinking I could find "something better"? At this time in my life, this verse breaks down all the words that could fill my mind, my mouth...to simply...trust in the Lord. Maybe the fact that this verse is soo familiar, is the exact reason why it is speaking volumes to my heart today. :)

I am happy to report that I have reached a point in my training that is amazing to me. I can run a 12 minute mile without stopping to pass out! I can run a mile, walk for 3 minutes and do it again! And again!! :) Praise God! I know....I still have lots of work to do, and I am a total beginner...but, I am so excited at this achievement! Since last Friday, I have been running about 2-3 miles a day, with those walking stretches in between. This Friday, Carol will push me a little farther, and although it scares the crud out of me....I know I will do it, and live another day. :)

Simply put....it's the living that is a little rough for me right now. Your love and prayers take me a long way...and I am forever blessed by the support and encouragement lavished on me.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."
Proverbs 3:5-6

Yes, I desperately want to understand, get a grip on the reality that is mine...yet desiring that understanding is what is tripping me up! In all situations, circumstances, challenges...I MUST trust in the Lord with my whole heart. Saying I do....and actually daily living it....now, that is the journey for us all! :)

Today, because my paths are so crazily crooked...uncertain...messy and disheveled...I am CHOOSING to trust Him, knowing with everything that I am....He WILL make my paths straight!! Ugh.....the journey truly is moment to moment.

Gotta Run!

Menopause or Ugly flesh?

Menopause? Hormones? or just plain ugly flesh??

I sit here stewing in my own ugliness…..the kind that a shower does not wash away. Have you ever experienced that kind of ugliness? Maybe I’m the only one…..so let me break it down for you. This ugliness can be lethal to those in close proximity of me without a word leaving my mouth. It can seep out of my eyes as I stare you down because I am irritated that I had to wait a WHOLE 10 minutes for Katie to get in the car when I went to pick her up after school. It can make you tremble in fear as I choose to give out the silent treatment to anyone who asks me, “You ok?”… and let’s not forget the finale of nonsensical sentences I spew out with an angry tone because I am frustrated when I attempt to carry 6 bags of groceries into the house at one time, only to lose my grip on the case of soda just when I am almost up the stairs….and as it slips out of my hands, I look around to see who I can blame!!! Yeah…it’s that kind of ugly! Today’s innocent victim was my 15yr old daughter Katie who was the closest to me as my venom was unleashed. She was staring at me, waiting for my head to start spinning around while still connected to my neck, as green pea soup erupts out of my mouth! It’s this ugly moment that has me sitting on my bed, disgusted with myself. I take a deep steadying breath and walk back out into the living room, where Katie is desperately trying to “do something without me having to ask you to do it!”…..she looks at me with eyes that say she is bracing herself for the next assault…ouch. I go to her, hug her and tell her I am wrong, so wrong, and ask her for her forgiveness. I tell her, “I don’t know what is wrong with me Katie, today feels like an outfit that is too tight, out of style and the waistband is cutting off my circulation”. We continue hugging and she graciously accepts my apology, while I kiss her all over her face to assure her that “Mommy Dearest” has left the building!! It doesn’t matter that I accidentally sent Katie’s school tuition check to my CPA for my taxes, and sent my State and Federal Tax checks to the private college prep school Katie just got accepted into….. Nor does it matter that I woke up and spent glorious time with the Lord this morning reading my devotional and praying…….my behavior…MY BEHAVIOR...<<>>, is my choice. People, I don’t know if it is menopause, response to my medicine that apparently has lots of side effects, lack of sleep, stress overload….fill in the blanks….or just plain ugly flesh.. it boils down to the simple fact that I chose to be ugly and unleash it on the innocent.
It is sooo easy to go down the road of justification…..or take a stroll onto “I have a RIGHT to behave badly” boardwalk….and snuggle into the coziness of “cause life is hard” comfy couch. Again, the choice is mine…..”Lord, please strengthen my resolve to serve You and not myself, no matter what happens or doesn’t in each day You give me”. “Oh, and Lord, if You feel I need to buy a “mood” headband or visor to warn others, please lay that on my heart!” 

I continue to wake up and run/walk with Carol…..I am running about 4 miles a day, and then have a long running day of about 6 to 7 miles on Fridays. We are making strides and I do feel and see the increase in my endurance, it is amazing to me that I can now run 6 to 7 minutes straight, then walk for 2 minutes, then repeat. We are shooting for me to run a mile straight without walking….and prayerfully I will do that before the month is over. 

So, if there was anything to be gained from my ugliness, I think this sums it up best: “Take a deep breath, count to ten, don’t let anything come out of your mouth that you’ll be embarrassed to pen! Live always in His strength and in His peace, never forgetting that we have a sweet fragrance….or stinky odor…. that we can choose to release!"

Gotta Run!

The juggler

It has been a constant amazement to me to witness how our Lord seems to continually stretch us and make us go way beyond what we think is our breaking points. If it were up to me, I would stop running before I broke into a sweat with the sensation of needles parading up and down my arms and my legs...but it's not up to me, and I go beyond that point and somehow find myself on the other end, relieved and proud of what I accomplished. In life, if it were up to me, I would choose to have sweet days filled with wonderful memories and surround myself with friends and family that I cherish and spend my time relishing my good fortune....but again, it's not up to me. I would also, keep my 15yr daughter my "baby girl" forever...with no growing up that includes boys, puberty, boys, adolescence, boys, and the ever ongoing stretching and fighting for independence....and boys. However, it is not up to me.

This stretching has not been easy or welcomed, or for that matter, invited into my life. It is here...and there is no going around it, under it, hiding from it. Last week I wanted to escape it with all that was within me...and now, today, I am glimpsing our Lord lovingly walking beside me...shielding me from so much more that He is protecting me from. His allowance for me to be touched by the numerous balls that He continues to throw at me and have me juggle, is truly His equipping in me. I did not come to that realization easily or on my own. It was a part of the journey He took me on this week, that led me down this path that had me gasping for breath, panting for peace, and longing to have it all STOP...only to finally get to the end of myself and my solutions, and come face to face with His authority over me and my family.

The balls are still being tossed my way...yet I now choose to throw them high to the heavens with reckless abandon, and shut my eyes....and reach my arms and hands out, knowing, trusting, that He will have me catch all the balls that He chooses for me to handle, to grow with, to balance, to juggle....the other balls, I won't even know I dropped them, because my eyes will be looking up at Him! A week ago, I couldn't have fathomed sitting here now with a peace that is both comforting and profound...it's His peace that was always mine...I just needed to be reminded that He was the juggler the whole time!

I ran today and it felt good. I am finding a small rhythm that comforts me. It is a physical exhaustion that actually helps me with clarity in my thought and prayer life. The pounding of my heart and the rhythm of my feet as I press on...are comforting...thank you Lord, for not letting me choose my own journey....I would have never known the sweetness of the pain I am now enduring.... who knew?!

Gotta Run!