The juggler

It has been a constant amazement to me to witness how our Lord seems to continually stretch us and make us go way beyond what we think is our breaking points. If it were up to me, I would stop running before I broke into a sweat with the sensation of needles parading up and down my arms and my legs...but it's not up to me, and I go beyond that point and somehow find myself on the other end, relieved and proud of what I accomplished. In life, if it were up to me, I would choose to have sweet days filled with wonderful memories and surround myself with friends and family that I cherish and spend my time relishing my good fortune....but again, it's not up to me. I would also, keep my 15yr daughter my "baby girl" forever...with no growing up that includes boys, puberty, boys, adolescence, boys, and the ever ongoing stretching and fighting for independence....and boys. However, it is not up to me.

This stretching has not been easy or welcomed, or for that matter, invited into my life. It is here...and there is no going around it, under it, hiding from it. Last week I wanted to escape it with all that was within me...and now, today, I am glimpsing our Lord lovingly walking beside me...shielding me from so much more that He is protecting me from. His allowance for me to be touched by the numerous balls that He continues to throw at me and have me juggle, is truly His equipping in me. I did not come to that realization easily or on my own. It was a part of the journey He took me on this week, that led me down this path that had me gasping for breath, panting for peace, and longing to have it all STOP...only to finally get to the end of myself and my solutions, and come face to face with His authority over me and my family.

The balls are still being tossed my way...yet I now choose to throw them high to the heavens with reckless abandon, and shut my eyes....and reach my arms and hands out, knowing, trusting, that He will have me catch all the balls that He chooses for me to handle, to grow with, to balance, to juggle....the other balls, I won't even know I dropped them, because my eyes will be looking up at Him! A week ago, I couldn't have fathomed sitting here now with a peace that is both comforting and profound...it's His peace that was always mine...I just needed to be reminded that He was the juggler the whole time!

I ran today and it felt good. I am finding a small rhythm that comforts me. It is a physical exhaustion that actually helps me with clarity in my thought and prayer life. The pounding of my heart and the rhythm of my feet as I press on...are comforting...thank you Lord, for not letting me choose my own journey....I would have never known the sweetness of the pain I am now enduring.... who knew?!

Gotta Run!