Menopause or Ugly flesh?

Menopause? Hormones? or just plain ugly flesh??

I sit here stewing in my own ugliness…..the kind that a shower does not wash away. Have you ever experienced that kind of ugliness? Maybe I’m the only one…..so let me break it down for you. This ugliness can be lethal to those in close proximity of me without a word leaving my mouth. It can seep out of my eyes as I stare you down because I am irritated that I had to wait a WHOLE 10 minutes for Katie to get in the car when I went to pick her up after school. It can make you tremble in fear as I choose to give out the silent treatment to anyone who asks me, “You ok?”… and let’s not forget the finale of nonsensical sentences I spew out with an angry tone because I am frustrated when I attempt to carry 6 bags of groceries into the house at one time, only to lose my grip on the case of soda just when I am almost up the stairs….and as it slips out of my hands, I look around to see who I can blame!!! Yeah…it’s that kind of ugly! Today’s innocent victim was my 15yr old daughter Katie who was the closest to me as my venom was unleashed. She was staring at me, waiting for my head to start spinning around while still connected to my neck, as green pea soup erupts out of my mouth! It’s this ugly moment that has me sitting on my bed, disgusted with myself. I take a deep steadying breath and walk back out into the living room, where Katie is desperately trying to “do something without me having to ask you to do it!”…..she looks at me with eyes that say she is bracing herself for the next assault…ouch. I go to her, hug her and tell her I am wrong, so wrong, and ask her for her forgiveness. I tell her, “I don’t know what is wrong with me Katie, today feels like an outfit that is too tight, out of style and the waistband is cutting off my circulation”. We continue hugging and she graciously accepts my apology, while I kiss her all over her face to assure her that “Mommy Dearest” has left the building!! It doesn’t matter that I accidentally sent Katie’s school tuition check to my CPA for my taxes, and sent my State and Federal Tax checks to the private college prep school Katie just got accepted into….. Nor does it matter that I woke up and spent glorious time with the Lord this morning reading my devotional and praying…….my behavior…MY BEHAVIOR...<<>>, is my choice. People, I don’t know if it is menopause, response to my medicine that apparently has lots of side effects, lack of sleep, stress overload….fill in the blanks….or just plain ugly flesh.. it boils down to the simple fact that I chose to be ugly and unleash it on the innocent.
It is sooo easy to go down the road of justification…..or take a stroll onto “I have a RIGHT to behave badly” boardwalk….and snuggle into the coziness of “cause life is hard” comfy couch. Again, the choice is mine…..”Lord, please strengthen my resolve to serve You and not myself, no matter what happens or doesn’t in each day You give me”. “Oh, and Lord, if You feel I need to buy a “mood” headband or visor to warn others, please lay that on my heart!” 

I continue to wake up and run/walk with Carol…..I am running about 4 miles a day, and then have a long running day of about 6 to 7 miles on Fridays. We are making strides and I do feel and see the increase in my endurance, it is amazing to me that I can now run 6 to 7 minutes straight, then walk for 2 minutes, then repeat. We are shooting for me to run a mile straight without walking….and prayerfully I will do that before the month is over. 

So, if there was anything to be gained from my ugliness, I think this sums it up best: “Take a deep breath, count to ten, don’t let anything come out of your mouth that you’ll be embarrassed to pen! Live always in His strength and in His peace, never forgetting that we have a sweet fragrance….or stinky odor…. that we can choose to release!"

Gotta Run!