Katie and I flew to Colorado to celebrate my Sister-in-law and niece's weddings. One of them was celebrated on Skip's birthday. To feel so many emotions deeply as I watched and rejoiced as the precious couple shared their vows and began their married life together was overwhelming. I sat there and held my Father-in-laws hand as tears streamed down my face....tears of joy that mixed with tears of longing for what is not mine anymore. This beautiful man I watched grow from a young cocky 23yr old turned 46.......will forever be 45 to me. As I press into each day and strive to live that day to the fullest, I will always remember my best friend the way he last was....he will not age in my memory.....he will not have grey hair, just salt & pepper around the sides and behind his ears...He will forever be 45.
This weekend we had a Tsunami warning and we needed to evacuate from our home that sits less than 2 blocks from the ocean. As I gathered important papers, passports, medical kits....Katie gathered treasures that were of pictures of our family, of memories she wanted with her....we had no idea what to expect to come home to, we were basically working on auto pilot. When we were able to come home and be thankful that the Tsunami was a non-event for Hawaii, I took a moment as I was putting our things back. All that I chose to gather, were things that Skip would have gathered......things Katie chose, were things my heart would have led me to take as well. This man that will always be 45yrs old, continues to speak to me, guiding me, into this new life of responsibility and concern for our daughter. Not that I was not the person I am now...but who I was allowed to be and who I am called to be are very different indeed.
Lord, I am so thankful the Tsunami was a Shmunami......much ado about nothing....thank you. Just as you calmed the sea and chose to redirect the waves....I trust in you to calm my heart and still my tears.....when You choose. In the meantime, thank you for wiping my tears and catching me when I fall.
It seems that.. "when we NEED to do.....we do". When we have others in our lives to do....we let them. I am now, THE do-er, I am doing, I am getting things done. :)
This week Carol has decided to step up my training and focus on jogging....my weakness! I seem to have mastered the art of walking.....now to focus on jogging. Carol says "go"...and I go, and my heart beats fast, my breathing is labored and her stopwatch seems to have stopped working! 3 minutes, 5 minutes...have never gone by soooo slowly in my life! I am convinced she is lying when she says, "It's only been 2minutes.....keep going". Still...I do, I keep going. My body aches and I have sweat dripping from my eyebrows and I am aware that I am at the beginning of my journey, yet...I AM DOING IT!
Gotta Run!
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Breathing
Since June 26, 2009, I have flown over 28 times. This count includes this past weekend when we went to Colorado for 2 weddings. The amount of traveling we have done astounds me, yet this last trip marked the last of our planned travels until summer. Not only did I fly over 28 times in the last almost 8 months...I flew over 28times without Skip. Katie or myself booked the flights, rented the cars and made the hotel reservations. Prior to June 26th, I had never done any of these things, they always fell under the category of "Skip's job". I'm not proud of this fact, it just was.
I now fly, pay bills, balance the checkbook and am currently gathering paperwork to file our taxes. I was blessed for 23yrs with someone who did these things and so much more for our family...and everyday I pray that I bring him honor as I learn to do them for myself. His example has left quite an impression on me, and I pray his and now my example will do the same for our daughter. "Lord, grow me, shape me, mold me into Your image daily".
There are things I would have done differently...said...had I known "that Friday" was the last we would have....that phone call when he called just before paddling out to say, "Babe, thank you for letting me come surf, I love you and can't wait to see you and Katie tomorrow....." So many things I wish I could tell him or say to him now....but I know in my heart, he sees us and is cheering us on from moment to moment. I cling to that thought.
I walked with Carol today, up that hill that kills me, but rewards me with an amazing view when we turn and come back down. As my body grew tired and I was breathing harder, my thoughts drifted to the past, my "old life"....where I couldn't recall doing anything regularly that caused me to be physically exhausted, or become breathless. Skip had always encouraged me to be more active...yet I was content with my routine and our family time. Every time I lace up my running shoes I smile inside as I picture him cheering me on, as I know he would have gotten a huge kick out of my running. :)
"Babe, it's definitely a different life that I am living....keep cheering me on. Imagining your arms outstretched to me at every Finish Line I cross gives me encouragement".
My breathing...in and out..as I exhaust myself, as I pay the bills and raise our daughter, echoes in my ears, and I push on, knowing at that moment when I feel like I can't take another step, wake up another morning without you...I will, because that's my journey. Breathing. Some days are just about.....breathing.
Gotta Run!
I now fly, pay bills, balance the checkbook and am currently gathering paperwork to file our taxes. I was blessed for 23yrs with someone who did these things and so much more for our family...and everyday I pray that I bring him honor as I learn to do them for myself. His example has left quite an impression on me, and I pray his and now my example will do the same for our daughter. "Lord, grow me, shape me, mold me into Your image daily".
There are things I would have done differently...said...had I known "that Friday" was the last we would have....that phone call when he called just before paddling out to say, "Babe, thank you for letting me come surf, I love you and can't wait to see you and Katie tomorrow....." So many things I wish I could tell him or say to him now....but I know in my heart, he sees us and is cheering us on from moment to moment. I cling to that thought.
I walked with Carol today, up that hill that kills me, but rewards me with an amazing view when we turn and come back down. As my body grew tired and I was breathing harder, my thoughts drifted to the past, my "old life"....where I couldn't recall doing anything regularly that caused me to be physically exhausted, or become breathless. Skip had always encouraged me to be more active...yet I was content with my routine and our family time. Every time I lace up my running shoes I smile inside as I picture him cheering me on, as I know he would have gotten a huge kick out of my running. :)
"Babe, it's definitely a different life that I am living....keep cheering me on. Imagining your arms outstretched to me at every Finish Line I cross gives me encouragement".
My breathing...in and out..as I exhaust myself, as I pay the bills and raise our daughter, echoes in my ears, and I push on, knowing at that moment when I feel like I can't take another step, wake up another morning without you...I will, because that's my journey. Breathing. Some days are just about.....breathing.
Gotta Run!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Great Aloha Run 2010!!
This race was awesome!! Over 24,000 runners,walkers,joggers...and me! :) The biggest and longest run I have participated in so far and once again, crossing the Finish Line seems to erase from my memory all the exhaustion and pain I was feeling just moments before. Seeing friends and family thru out the race was an added bonus, finishing 8.6 miles in exactly 2hrs and holding hands with my cousins as we crossed the Finish Line is a memory I will forever treasure.
To be a small part of something so big gave me a sense of assurance that I was where I was supposed to be and doing what I was supposed to be doing. Receiving my race shirt at the end that says "Finisher" on the back, reminded me of 2 Timothy 4:7:"I have fought the good fight. I have finished the course. I have kept the faith."
This verse holds many meanings for me as it has come into my life at various times. Today it was comforting as I want most of all to finish strong in this race of life that we all participate in. Lord, as I show up and dance, let me glorify You!
Today's race was more about doing it with family...encouraging and supporting each other...not about improving my time...not this race, not today. I finished knowing I could have ran harder and finished sooner. The choice I made to walk with my cousins allowed us to make a memory together that benefits us all... for them it encouraged and built their confidence. For me, understanding that I could keep a strong pace on my own while sharing a moment with family that will last a lifetime. It was a decision I made with counting the cost.....our lives and the trials we face were and are allowed to touch us because our Father already counted the cost. That knowledge should give us all the strength to daily, moment by moment, relinquish control once again.
I am happily exhausted! With ibuprofin near my bedside and a heating pad under my lower back, I will fall asleep beside my daughter and thank the Lord for His definition of beautiful.
Gotta Run!
To be a small part of something so big gave me a sense of assurance that I was where I was supposed to be and doing what I was supposed to be doing. Receiving my race shirt at the end that says "Finisher" on the back, reminded me of 2 Timothy 4:7:"I have fought the good fight. I have finished the course. I have kept the faith."
This verse holds many meanings for me as it has come into my life at various times. Today it was comforting as I want most of all to finish strong in this race of life that we all participate in. Lord, as I show up and dance, let me glorify You!
Today's race was more about doing it with family...encouraging and supporting each other...not about improving my time...not this race, not today. I finished knowing I could have ran harder and finished sooner. The choice I made to walk with my cousins allowed us to make a memory together that benefits us all... for them it encouraged and built their confidence. For me, understanding that I could keep a strong pace on my own while sharing a moment with family that will last a lifetime. It was a decision I made with counting the cost.....our lives and the trials we face were and are allowed to touch us because our Father already counted the cost. That knowledge should give us all the strength to daily, moment by moment, relinquish control once again.
I am happily exhausted! With ibuprofin near my bedside and a heating pad under my lower back, I will fall asleep beside my daughter and thank the Lord for His definition of beautiful.
Gotta Run!
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Great Aloha Run Eve
Tomorrow is the Great Aloha Run.....8.6 miles on Oahu. This race will have over 22,000 runners participating and I am looking forward to being a part of it. Earlier this week Carol and I walked/jogged over 8 miles on Maui on the beach. It was a nice confidence booster to give me a small taste of what's to come. I am finding that I am recovering quicker from the jogging spurts we do...which is awesome! I still don't consider myself a runner by any stretch of the imagination, but I am seeing improvements which give me great encouragement.
Today is Valentine's....that special day when love is celebrated, regardless if it's a new romance, or one that has stood the test of time. I sat in church this morning and our Pastor asked all the couples represented to stand so we could pray for them....staying seated and closing my eyes to pray was a little harder than I expected. Not because I didn't want to pray for the couples.....more because I wanted to be one... This journey is definitely one that seems to unfold in ways I can't seem to anticipate. I can however, keep my eyes looking up and continue gaining strength from the one who chose it for me.
I shed tears today...not because of all the valentine's hype....it seemed as if something was bubbling to the surface...and as I tried to control it, I had to face the reality that I may need to let it truly surface. Sometimes pushing the pain down and pressing on is easier, much easier, than going deep with pain that may leave me spinning a little out of control. I seem to want to choose the time and place for my tears...yet I am beginning to realize that may not be left for me to control.
Being on Oahu can be a double edged sword......it is great to drive around and see familiar places that bring back tender, funny, special memories from years gone by. Yet those memories can cut deeply...I think that is what happened today, and I was trying desperately to shut the door and keep those emotions at bay. Lord, give me the strength and courage to face what You want me to, when You want me to, in the way You want me to.
Tonight... I will shut my mind down, close my eyes and rest in the knowledge that I am where I am supposed to be and sleep with assurance that I have done what I was supposed to do.
Tomorrow... I will get up before 5am, put on those familiar running clothes, my shoes that have become friends, and I will show up and dance.
Gotta Run!
Today is Valentine's....that special day when love is celebrated, regardless if it's a new romance, or one that has stood the test of time. I sat in church this morning and our Pastor asked all the couples represented to stand so we could pray for them....staying seated and closing my eyes to pray was a little harder than I expected. Not because I didn't want to pray for the couples.....more because I wanted to be one... This journey is definitely one that seems to unfold in ways I can't seem to anticipate. I can however, keep my eyes looking up and continue gaining strength from the one who chose it for me.
I shed tears today...not because of all the valentine's hype....it seemed as if something was bubbling to the surface...and as I tried to control it, I had to face the reality that I may need to let it truly surface. Sometimes pushing the pain down and pressing on is easier, much easier, than going deep with pain that may leave me spinning a little out of control. I seem to want to choose the time and place for my tears...yet I am beginning to realize that may not be left for me to control.
Being on Oahu can be a double edged sword......it is great to drive around and see familiar places that bring back tender, funny, special memories from years gone by. Yet those memories can cut deeply...I think that is what happened today, and I was trying desperately to shut the door and keep those emotions at bay. Lord, give me the strength and courage to face what You want me to, when You want me to, in the way You want me to.
Tonight... I will shut my mind down, close my eyes and rest in the knowledge that I am where I am supposed to be and sleep with assurance that I have done what I was supposed to do.
Tomorrow... I will get up before 5am, put on those familiar running clothes, my shoes that have become friends, and I will show up and dance.
Gotta Run!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Breaking thru limits
As I progress with my training, my walks and jogs are getting longer. I find myself facing the longer runs and walks with mixed emotions....a part of me feels nervous and scared about adding miles because I know my limits....yet another part of me is truly excited by the progress. Left on my own, I would have had the dream of running a marathon, but no real understanding of how to accomplish it. I am truly thankful for my good friend and trainer, Carol.....she has helped me to go beyond my limits...when I think I can't continue....she is right there to push me thru and help me tap into the remaining strength still left in me. At the end of the day, I am able to look back on what we accomplished, and I marvel at the fact that in 5 weeks I have gone from walking 4 times around my backyard reservoir...to walk/jogging 6.5 miles in less than 90 minutes. Not focusing on so much 90 minutes...but the miles. Thank you Lord, for the desire You planted in me regarding this goal, but also for providing me with someone to help me achieve it.
Being in our new home, we feel peace. Walking/jogging and preparing for the 8.6 mile run on Oahu on 2/15/10 brings me a sense of rightness as I seek Him and His will. Being in church tonight and being asked if I would share with the college girls in March my testimony and my heart for them shows me that Your plan is being revealed in so many areas.....the common thread is obedience....we are called to obey, and then simply watch as You reveal Yourself in us. Father, thank you for being ENOUGH. My eyes still fill with tears...my heart still aches...but just as I told Katie on the way home tonight...Satan has to ask the Lord for permission to sift us, just like Job..and just like Job...the Lord counted the cost of our pain in our loss before it ever became our reality. The fact that we hurt..along with the fact that we still seek Him and hunger for our church fellowship...is His glory.
Gotta Run!
Being in our new home, we feel peace. Walking/jogging and preparing for the 8.6 mile run on Oahu on 2/15/10 brings me a sense of rightness as I seek Him and His will. Being in church tonight and being asked if I would share with the college girls in March my testimony and my heart for them shows me that Your plan is being revealed in so many areas.....the common thread is obedience....we are called to obey, and then simply watch as You reveal Yourself in us. Father, thank you for being ENOUGH. My eyes still fill with tears...my heart still aches...but just as I told Katie on the way home tonight...Satan has to ask the Lord for permission to sift us, just like Job..and just like Job...the Lord counted the cost of our pain in our loss before it ever became our reality. The fact that we hurt..along with the fact that we still seek Him and hunger for our church fellowship...is His glory.
Gotta Run!
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Moved In!
I am typing as I look out my windows that frame the beautiful ocean and it's activity perfectly! The past 2 weeks have been filled with the busyness of packing and moving and unpacking and settling...I am truly blessed by the help from God's kids who came along side me and moved me in record time! We have been in our new home for a week and we already feel at peace and look forward to unpacking our things and surrounding ourselves with treasured memories.
I managed to press on in my training although it was a challenge. I ran another 5k on saturday in Makena and had a blast! I use the word "ran" loosley as I still walk/jog...but I did shave 4 minutes off my time, finishing the 5k in 40 minutes.
As we were nearing the final stretch, Carol told me to find someone ahead of me and set a goal to pass them, and try to finish before them. I picked a woman about my age and kept my eyes on her....she was jogging steady and I started to jog towards her and slowly passed her. The Finish line seemed to be farther away than I thought and I wasn't sure if I could keep my pace....but I kept at it. I smiled when I heard Carol from behind yell, "Go Kimmy, keep running girl!!" :) This allowed me to burst ahead and use every ounce of energy I had left. Crossing the Finish line feels awesome, I know I have a long way to go...but that sense of completion, mixed with sheer physical exhaustion is addicting! :) This 5k allowed us to have an ankle chip so the time was clocked and I could view it by matching it to my bib number. This race was also bigger than the last, about 800 runners. I am always amazed at the range of ages and physical conditions of all who participate. I'm getting the impression that running can be more of a mental battle rather than skill...although I need both! I even "ran" into runners from my first 5k who greeted me and wished me well before we began. I smiled inwardly at the thought of me becoming a familiar face in the "running circle" on Maui...who would of thunk it!!
I am going to Oahu this weekend to run in the Great Aloha Run...it's 8.6 miles. This week starting tomorrow, Carol will be having my runs daily lengthened. I will be jog/walking about 5-6 miles every other day. I'm nervous about the length of the upcoming race, but excited at the same time. It will be my longest jog/walk so far. Lord, please equip me!!
I met with my dr on Friday and discussed the results of my body scans. My cancer has remained contained in both of my lungs, no new spots have developed and the existing spots have not enlarged. My body seems to be responding to the Tamoxifen and I am truly blessed!!! I will have new scans done again in 3 months. As long as my body continues to respond to the medicine, we will stay the course. Chemo will be in my future if that is God's will.....but again...not today!
Katie told me that she is proud of me, with words but also with her eyes...they seemed to look at me with rising hope....that alone filled me with deeper determination!
Gotta Run!
I managed to press on in my training although it was a challenge. I ran another 5k on saturday in Makena and had a blast! I use the word "ran" loosley as I still walk/jog...but I did shave 4 minutes off my time, finishing the 5k in 40 minutes.
As we were nearing the final stretch, Carol told me to find someone ahead of me and set a goal to pass them, and try to finish before them. I picked a woman about my age and kept my eyes on her....she was jogging steady and I started to jog towards her and slowly passed her. The Finish line seemed to be farther away than I thought and I wasn't sure if I could keep my pace....but I kept at it. I smiled when I heard Carol from behind yell, "Go Kimmy, keep running girl!!" :) This allowed me to burst ahead and use every ounce of energy I had left. Crossing the Finish line feels awesome, I know I have a long way to go...but that sense of completion, mixed with sheer physical exhaustion is addicting! :) This 5k allowed us to have an ankle chip so the time was clocked and I could view it by matching it to my bib number. This race was also bigger than the last, about 800 runners. I am always amazed at the range of ages and physical conditions of all who participate. I'm getting the impression that running can be more of a mental battle rather than skill...although I need both! I even "ran" into runners from my first 5k who greeted me and wished me well before we began. I smiled inwardly at the thought of me becoming a familiar face in the "running circle" on Maui...who would of thunk it!!
I am going to Oahu this weekend to run in the Great Aloha Run...it's 8.6 miles. This week starting tomorrow, Carol will be having my runs daily lengthened. I will be jog/walking about 5-6 miles every other day. I'm nervous about the length of the upcoming race, but excited at the same time. It will be my longest jog/walk so far. Lord, please equip me!!
I met with my dr on Friday and discussed the results of my body scans. My cancer has remained contained in both of my lungs, no new spots have developed and the existing spots have not enlarged. My body seems to be responding to the Tamoxifen and I am truly blessed!!! I will have new scans done again in 3 months. As long as my body continues to respond to the medicine, we will stay the course. Chemo will be in my future if that is God's will.....but again...not today!
Katie told me that she is proud of me, with words but also with her eyes...they seemed to look at me with rising hope....that alone filled me with deeper determination!
Gotta Run!
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