Ever Onward

I woke up this morning a little sick of myself. I recognized that I was ready to leave my little cocoon, aka my couch. Little by little this past week my eyes began to recognize God moving me...I felt Him giving me a fresh equipping of His strength. I sensed that however necessary and needed my hibernation in sorrow was..it was now a wave that had washed over me. I got out of bed and walked into the living room and reached for the t.v. remote saying aloud to the empty room, "Lord, I want to start my day listening to praise music, I want to lift my voice to you, I choose you!" I found the christian music station I love, turned it on and turned the volume high. As I was reaching for the broom to sweep, my breath caught in my throat as Steven Curtis Chapman's voice filled my house as he sang, "Tomorrow morning if you wake me up and the sun does not appear..I will be here." A song that has been a thread in Skip's in my life since I was 17yrs. I gripped my broom and dropped into the nearest chair as tears fell down my face as the sobbing rocked me. The words just kept coming, "You can cry on my shoulder when the mirror tells us we're older, I will hold you, and I will be here, to watch you grow in beauty, and tell you all the things you are to me...." I cried without holding back, seeing Skip's face as we danced to this song, as we sang this song in the car, as we played it every year on our anniversary... When the song ended I felt Katie's arms around me as she shared the chair with me, whispering to me to "just cry". The next song was a song Katie used in her video slide show she made of her Dad. Ugh! Tears now on both of our faces, she asks, "Do you want me to turn it off?" I shook my head and held her hand as the song played, "Turn up the music, turn it up loud, take a few chances, let it all out. You won't regret it, looking back where you have been....cause it's not who you knew, it's not what you did.....it's how you live"..

Right then I bowed my head, squeezed my eyes shut, held Katie's hand and prayed aloud. "Lord, be big now, I trust you. It's too much and I don't know what to do...keep crying or wipe my tears and stuff it all down...You HAVE to move me. You are our strength and we need YOU! Let me be the mom to Katie that she needs, heal us, please meet us here".

The song ended. Katie and I wiped our tears, our runny noses...and hugged. Big breath. I took my broom and swept. I can't tell you what that was all about other than it was our morning. Our mourning.

I ran/walked 11 miles yesterday. Alone. It took alot for me to push myself out the door but I did it! I wanted to quit at about 8 miles. I actually dropped down in the shade for about a minute and then I told myself, "Get up and finish!" With every step I kept saying out loud, "push it, push it, puuussshh itt!!!!!" I managed to finish and rewarded myself with a cold chilly shower at the beach park where I ran. You may be asking why I didn't just jump into the ocean....honestly..I would've drowned! I was toooo tired to even think about swimming!

There is definitely something to be said for pushing through the ache, the exhaustion, the complete and utter depletion....and coming out on the other side. Driving home, sucking down water, I felt amazing! I texted Katie and that was actually her reply....."Mom, you are amazing!"

Even now as I sit stiff and in pain, 2 aspirin later....I feel amazing..and amazed by Him!

Gotta Run!