Maui Half Marathon..and beyond!

To be perfectly honest....(which strikes me as such a ridiculous statement!) Rarely does being honest ever come across as perfect. Regardless, I am floundering...floating...existing. I find myself having arguments, heated debates...with myself.

To be experiencing debilitating emotions that frustrate me..shame me..confuse me..crush me..even for a moment, leave me with feelings of unworthiness. I tell myself, "snap out of it, don't be such a martyr!". I look at myself in the mirror and the mess that looks back at me is either unrecognizable or becoming all too familiar to me.

One description that comes to mind is being at the bottom of the deep end of the pool and pushing off with your feet to propel yourself up to the surface...but no matter how hard you kick and slice through the water with your hands and arms...you make no progress. Exhausted from all your efforts to get to the top, you look down and see that an anchor has been tied around one of your ankles, not allowing you to reach the top for air. You feel empty and depleted. The only hope you have of surfacing is to reach down, pick up the anchor with both arms and walk it to the shallow end..dragging it if and when necessary. The question that always plagues me in this scenario is this...WHERE does the energy come from to do this? HOW do I/we tap into the "reserve" of strength we never even knew we had..at the absolute moment we HAVE to??

The above, no matter how depressing or pathetic it may sound, is exactly how I have been feeling. Whether on my couch, in my car, or when I have just ran 10 miles and still have 3.1 more to go to cross the Finish Line of the Half Marathon.

I crossed that Finish Line. I did it and ran 13 minutes miles. I got my Finisher t-shirt and medal. I also kept walking after I crossed the Finish Line and didn't stop or look back. As the distance between myself and the race grew...I started to cry and had no energy to stop myself. The tears came, the longing for my best friend to greet me with congratulations was enormous and overwhelming. I found a tree after awhile and sank down underneath it and sobbed. I wanted to scream, "screw it!" I wanted to cuss like a sailor at anyone who would listen to me at how unfair it all was! As I closed my eyes and felt my breathing become steadier, I sensed the depth of my aloneness fading away. I looked up into the tree above me and could see the blue sky peek through the branches. I knew the sun was shining even though the shade of the tree was protecting me from the overwhelming warmth of it. Protecting me. Protection. I was being protected. I AM PROTECTED...in the deep waters...when I am at the end of me...in the overwhelmingness of life...I AM PROTECTED. He is ENOUGH.

I may want more...ache and yearn for it, but what I have, who I am, who He is...is enough. I ran the Half Marathon, 13.1 miles on 9/19/10. Five days later I ran 14 miles. This Friday I will run 15. He is ENOUGH!

Gotta Run!