Bagels...

Fridays are my long run days.....Carol and I usually lengthen our runs to about 6 miles or a little longer, and she pushes me to run longer between spurts of walking. In short.....Fridays suck! We headed down to the beach and began our jog amidst tourists out for a stroll...kids playing in the sand, couples in lounge chairs...and, actual REAL runners. :) As I am huffing and puffing past all the scenery I start to feel the bagel I had for breakfast start to work its way up my stomach and kinda lodge itself in my chest. I tell Carol about this new development, and she yells back that I gotta keep running, "push yourself Kimmy, run thru the pain". I continue to press on as we are making the turn to head back to the beginning, knowing in my head we still have another 3 miles or so to cover. I drink water during the walking intervals and I am trying to push the water down hard to see if that will help the bagel work its way back down... We are now 2 miles from finishing and I tell Carol that the bagel is gonna come up. She leads me to a porta potty and asks if I want to go in and throw up. The thought alone makes me want to throw up! I kinda walk into some near by bushes and assume the position...yeah, I know...I was as disgusted as you are! Long story short...it worked itself out. :) As we go back down to the beach and after I rinse out my mouth, Carol says..."Ok, time to run, that was your break...let's go!" I want to strangle her, but my feet and legs follow her down the beach path and I am trying to get my breathing rhythm back. It takes me a few minutes but I finally am breathing in my usual pattern and we reach our starting point. We are rewarded with sunshine and a ride back home in my 10yr old convertible vw. Running passed the pain is a new experience for me. I feel like I can't take another step and that is when Carol says I must dig deeper and keep going, apparently that is the only way I will improve and cover more distance. I need to block out my own thoughts of giving up and MAKE my body keep going...

It is interesting how running seems to be similar to my journey in life at this time. I find myself "hitting a wall" on days where I am glued to a picture of Skip and I....going back in time to where we were and what we were doing at that moment...and all I want to do is jump into that picture and get lost in it and stay there.....and then I hear my Lord whispering in my ear, calling me back to my today, reassuring me that He is with me as I take another step forward... It is so tempting to ignore that still small voice and dig my heels in. He shows me that if I choose to be immovable, I will create a distance between Him and I...a distance that no matter how my heart hurts...I don't want. So, I look up and start to find my breathing rhythm once again....and simply move...forward. Thank you Lord for being so gentle, thank you for not letting me get lost.

Katie got her drivers permit last week..she was all smiles as she showed me her new picture ID...and yes, as we walked out to the car I wanted so badly to turn to Skip and say, "Dear, how did this happen?..Just yesterday she was playing tea party with her dolls and puppy, asking us to sit at the table so she could pour us a cup of tea." And as I was digesting this wonderful moment for Katie, I was yet again facing my reality without Skip.....I was experiencing that "bagel in my throat feeling" all over again...and I watched as my feet and legs moved me...walked me...FORWARD.

"We cannot kindle when we will The fire which in the heart resides, The spirit bloweth and is still, In mystery our soul abides; But tasks in hours of insight willed Can be through hours of gloom fulfilled." - Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest.


Gotta Run!